More like horo-can’t-cope, am I right? Idk sry
The official April 2019 horoscope predictions are in and it’s good news (for some).
I’ve tapped into my inner Mystic Meg and done some astrological charts for this month.
As always, the following predictions are completely accurate and intended to be taken with the utmost seriousness.
Simply find your zodiac sign below and your fate shall be revealed.
Aquarius
You’re going to get into quite a bit of debt this month thanks to your crippling scratch card addiction. You’ll buy a few on payday and then struggle to curtail the compulsion to keep trying until you break even. It’s going to prove to be your undoing as friends and family plead with you to stop. Blinded by your lust for a £2 win, you’ll take it upon yourself to have a Purge day, eliminating anyone that tries to come between you and your desire to get a scratch card jackpot. Six murders later, you’ll be no closer to joy. You’ll be arrested, charged and spend the rest of your life behind bars. That’s right, you’ll be sentenced to life as a bartender. Also, you’ll be forbidden from purchasing scratch cards ever again. Unlucky, pal.
Pisces
Exciting news – you’re going to become parent… to an exciting idea! You’re going to invent Facebook and invest a large amount of time and money into it, only to discover that it has already been invented in 2004, so you’re 15 years too late. Not to worry, all of that work won’t go to waste as you’ll finally secure the approval of your parents. Sure, your life choices in recent years have been at odds with their core beliefs, but all that’s about to change. They’re going to start bragging about you to their friends, inviting you over for Sunday dinners again, maybe even slipping you an emergency £20 each time they see you. Then you’ll wake up and realise it has all been a dream. Still, you got eight hours sleep in the process, so it’s not all bad news.
Aries
Your crush is going to ask you out on a date. The date is going to go horribly as you struggle to hold any meaningful conversation other than ‘Got any plans for the summer?’ or ‘How do shepherds manage to stay awake when they’re rounding up their sheep at night?’. Ultimately, the date is going to prove that you two have absolutely nothing in common, so you can now start to get over your senseless crush. You’ll turn to fitness as a means of distraction, but soon get bored and instead find comfort in the Shrek franchise. Honestly, soak it up, champ. Those movies are terrific and timeless classics. The Princess Fiona to your Shrek is right around the corner. Promise!
Taurus
A psychic wallaby is going to arrive upon your doorstep midway through the month, which is strange because you don’t live Australia. He will present unto you a quest which you must complete to avoid a slow and painful death. The quest will involve holding your breath underwater for a minute, running a mile in four seconds and being able to do a very convincing Scottish accent. I’m telling you this now so that you can prepare in advance. The psychic wallaby won’t be happy that I’m interfering, but that’s something I’ll deal with when he tracks me down. I expect it won’t be long as wallabies are known for their ability to find rats. Shit, he’s outside. Fuck. Go, save yourself.
Gemini
A country music star is going to send you a DM on Twitter asking if you’d like to collaborate on their upcoming album. Despite not knowing much about country music nor being able to sing, you’ll agree because you simply love banter. She will arrange for you to be flown to LA to her studio where you’ll duet. Before long, it will become apparent that a case of mistaken identity has occurred. The country singer will send you home, but not before putting your lies on blast to her 8.9m Twitter followers, outing you as a fraud. Death threats will find their way into your inbox. You’ll have to change your identity and start a new life in the Bermuda Triangle. Still, makes a good story for the grandkids I suppose.
Cancer
The weight of the world will feel like it’s on your shoulders this month, and that’s precisely because it is. The higher powers from up above will task you with carrying the entire weight of the world in a very small backpack that puts immense strain on your shoulders. Why are they doing this? No logical reason, tbh. You’ll end up pulling a muscle, resulting in total agony. Physiotherapy will provide some relief, but ultimately a chiropractor is what’s needed. When you eventually go to get your bones cracked, the chiropractor will remark that you’ve got an abnormal spine and require an x-ray. The x-ray results will take a while, but eventually show that you have a twin living inside you. You absorbed it in the womb. Classic you.
Leo
Ant and Dec are going to officially split this month and both will be looking for a replacement. In an exciting turn of events, you’re going to get a call from both of the guys asking if you’ll do a screen test with them. You’ll oblige because you’re keen to get a few more Instagram followers. Both will be enamoured with your charm and ability to balance information with whimsy when presenting on the telly. Ant and Dec are both going to offer you the position of being their new double act participant, which you will graciously accept. It’s a lot of work, but you’re up for the challenge. However, when they uncover that you were playing both sides of the team, they’ll be furious and sack you immediately, then get back together. Cheers. Son’s crying. Thanks.
Virgo
You’re going to experience some very mild turbulence on a flight this month. Nothing major, just a spilled drink and hefty reminder to keep seatbelts fastened at all times, even when the warning light goes off. You’ll then be stopped by airport security and selected for a random search which will prove fruitless. “Thanks”, you’ll smugly reply as they send you on your way to the arrivals area. Waiting for you will be a driver who mistakenly takes you to Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch. Baffled by this turn of events, you’ll try to get a return flight home, but to no avail. This is your life now. You must hang out in Neverland and try to make sense of this bizarre set of occurrences. Luckily, you have the power to change this. Don’t get on the flight.
Libra
A nasty chest infection is going to strike you down next week. It’ll start off as a slight tickle in your throat, then descend into chaos. Your temperature will soar, co-workers will remark that you seem ‘out of sorts’ and loved ones will refuse to embrace you. A week off work will give you some time to recover and catch up on a few TV shows. You’ll take inspiration from Netflix’s You and decide to take up a new hobby of stalking people. It’ll go well at first, but you’ll soon lose interest and instead invest all your time in monitoring the stock exchange, turning you into the most boring person alive. Friends will make excuses to avoid you, family will stop calling over, even the dog won’t lick your hands after you eat crisps anymore. Unlucky, pal.
Scorpio
Congratulations! You’re going to get a tax rebate and it will be a substantial amount of your own money that was wrongly taken from you in the first place, which is still a win! You’ll go on a shopping spree and spend well over the original amount, but not to worry, material goods are the key to true happiness. To pay off the debts, you’ll start gambling online. After a few initial losses, your luck will kick in and the earnings will soar. You become filthy rich, somehow turning everything you touch into gold. Unlucky for your cat, that includes her. Miffy will turn to gold as you attempt to caress her towards the end of the month. Devastated, you’ll sell the solid gold cat for even more cash. Congratulations, you’re rich. But you’re also sick. Get out of my sight.
Sagittarius
A nightmare is going to unfold at work as it’s discovered that you’ve been stealing butter from Ken’s stash. He’s specifically labelled it as ‘Ken’s Butter – do not touch’, but you’ve never been one to play by the rules. Determined to get that inimitable high that comes with buttered toast, you’ve been stealing his butter for weeks, but now he’s clocked it and he’s mad as hell. Sue from accounts squealed after she was about to steal some but saw toast crumbs in the tub. She looked over, horrified, to see you stuffing a slice of toast straight into your gob and decided to pin the whole thing on you. HR are going to get involved. Ken’s going to slash your car tyres. Sue’s going to continue stealing his butter. You’ve fucked it, mate. You’ve absolutely fucked it.
Capricorn
Unfortunately you’re going to die this month, but it’ll be a peaceful death as you drift away in your sleep. Everyone will be devastated, but quick to accept that the circle of life is unstoppable. Honestly, they’ll grieve for an insensitively short space of time, maybe fifteen/twenty minutes, then start to divvy up your belongings. PlayStation, Xbox, Nespresso machine, everything will be accounted for in the hours after your passing, before an ambulance has even been called. When the paramedics eventually arrive, they’ll have the difficult task of pronouncing you ‘alive but looking for attention’. Embarrassed, your friends and family will apologise for their insensitivity and promise to make it up to you. They’ll buy you a Soda Stream, so honestly, not a bad outcome.
