Eating, am I right? We’ve all got to do it!
Sometimes we eat in the morning, sometimes we eat at night, sometimes we even eat during the day. That’s the beauty of eating, it can simply be done at any time, more or less anywhere. Eating on public transport can facilitate this desire.
But when you’re eating in a confined space, certain rules need to be adhered to to ensure the comfort of everyone involved.
Sure, basic logic plays a key part, but unfortunately not everyone has been briefed with the same level of consideration for others. If they were, 17.4 million people would not have been tricked by the side of a bus, probably.
Look, we’re not looking to change the world here today. All I can ask is that familiarise yourself with the following rules, then share them both far and wide.
Thank you.
Rule #1: Very “out there” idea, but maybe don’t eat something that smells disgusting when you’re on public transport, you repugnant ape?
Bit of a no-brainer really, isn’t it? Yet here we are, having to remind people to keep their fish and egg mayonnaise sandwiches wrapped up until they alight the bus. A quick way of checking whether the food you’re about to consume is smelly or not is to actually just go ahead and smell the h*eckin thing, champ. If you can smell its aroma before you even open the wrapper, that’s a good indication that you should bury it deep into your bag, never to be consumed in the presence of others.
Tuna, onions, bananas, foie gras, basically anything that is notoriously stinky should be avoided when there are people nearby. It’s not that your food isn’t good. It’s that it will infiltrate the nasal passages of everyone around, which isn’t the best situation to find yourself in during the early hours of the morning. Put yourself in their shoes. They have not signed up for this. They just want to get to or from work with as little discomfort as possible. Perhaps they work with morons. Life needn’t be any harder than it absolutely has to be.
Rule #2: If you can remember it, only if you get a chance, do you think maybe you could chew with your mouth closed, you insufferable pig?
Not sure if you’ve heard, but there’s this trend going around whereby people actually consume food within the confines of their mouths without having their half-masticated produce on display for all to see. What you do is you simply take a bite of your odourless food, close your mouth and then chew it to completion. Pretty revolutionary, but I can assure you that none of the nutrients are lost in this manner. In fact, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain when you adopt this method.
Sometimes, food can be a little secret between you and your mouth. Fellow commuters are doing their best to avert their eyes to afford you the privacy to enjoy your meal without judgemental looks occupying your headspace. The very least you can offer in return is a pleasant experience for all involved. Why not go one step further and adopt the same digestive method as a snake, whereby they dislocate their jaws to swallow the entire food item in one whole motion? It’s worth a try, is all I’m suggesting.
Rule #3: Hey there buddy, quick one, would it kill you to offer your food around a bit, you selfish little rapscallion?
Yes, I understand that that is your food. I’m sure it cost money to purchase it and indeed the exact same option was on offer to me, whereby I can use my own hard-earned money in exchange for goods and services. I am with you. I just didn’t plan ahead like you did. However, if you’re on the train and you’ve just cracked open a large packet of Haribo, I’m going to need to have a small sampling for quality control purposes. Nothing major to worry about, just want to make sure everything is in order and that all mandatory European standards are being maintained.
It’s entirely fine if you don’t want to offer them up. That is your God-given right. But wouldn’t it be nice? Just to offer me and only me a quick go of your sweeties. I won’t even take the good ones, I’ll blindly enter the packet and take whatever presents itself into my fingertips. What’s that? You’ve also got crisps? Are they cheese and onion? Unlucky. I’ll have to refer you back to Rule #1 above. They are too stinky for public consumption. Same with prawn cocktail unfortunately. Look, just leave them here with me and I shall dispose of them accordingly. Many thanks.
Rule #4: If the highly complicated task of eating on public transport involves you nudging others with your elbows, maybe give it a miss, you self-absorbed runt?
Some things can be eaten with minimal fuss. A chocolate bar, an apple, a lollipop, ass. But if you’re sitting on the tube about to tuck into a four-course meal with a variety of cutlery for each dish, perhaps things have gone awry. I hate to get vulgar, but if any part of your body is touching off another commuter, what in the actual fuck is wrong with you? Do not do that. Even if there is a quick slam on the brakes sending everyone thundering forward into each other, you must do your best to remain in your own personal airspace.
What I am saying is that you need to cause minimal fuss in everything you do. Be a Brit, ffs. Never cause another person any discomfort in any way. Apologise for every mouthful of food you eat. A quick “sincere apologies” to anyone within earshot before each bite should suffice. Don’t make eye contact with anyone, ever. Stare at your shoes until the journey is over. Apologise for existing. Apologise for needing to eat to sustain life. Schedule an appointment with your local GP to be put down at your nearest convenience. Thanks.
Rule #5: Sorry pal, actually going to need you to clean up after yourself there, you ignorant glutton. Cheers.
Crumbs, crumbs everywhere. Presume you’ve brought a MiniVac (other brands are available) with you to hoover up the mess you’ve created? Oh, you haven’t? Well that’s just too bad. For starters, take all of your packaging to the nearest bin. Now you must return to the area where you were sitting or standing and wait for a member of staff to pass. Apologise profusely for existing, then ask them how best you can aid the cleaning process. If the situation dictates it, get down on your grubby little hands and knees to shampoo that carpet clean.
Just kidding, shampooing carpets is only half the battle. You’ll also need to dry the fabric in preparation for the next group of commuters. Also, a quick hoover wouldn’t go amiss, followed by a replacement carpet being fitted to thoroughly combat any crumb remnants. Financially, it’s going to set you back quite a bit. But it’s worth doing to know that you have upheld your status as a dutiful citizen. Alternatively, you could just not make a mess when you’re eating, or wait until you disembark your chosen mode of public transportation before you chow down. Either way, be vigilant. Thank you.
