2 Fast 2 Spooky.
At Halloween, it’s important to remember two things:
- Your Halloween costume should be very very spooky indeed. Almost too spooky.
- If you put an apostrophe in Hallowe’en, you’re posh as fuck.
It can be difficult trying to come up with a banging costume every year, so that’s where we come in. Here at JOE, we’ve taken the liberty of coming up with some very spooky Halloween costumes.
Feel free to use them, if you’re brave enough.
1. Spooky Tax Returns Form
Truly there is nothing spookier than trying to work out how to pay tax. Luckily, we all spent our school days learning how to play Little Donkey on the recorder, so should that ever come into play, we’re absolutely sorted. Meanwhile, in the real world, tax forms are something we get to battle in adult life, with the ramifications of doing it incorrectly being a fun little stint in prison.
To design your Spoooooky Tax Returns Form costume, simply print off the document onto a very large piece of paper or several small pieces which you can stick together, then wear it somehow. Don’t forget to expense the paper and then claim it back somehow because apparently, that’s a thing you can do if you know how? Also, it’s important that your face is wrought with fear and confusion while you wear this spooky costume.
2. Spooky Parallel Parking
Not to worry, there’s a huge queue of traffic behind you and now you’ve committed to fitting your unnecessarily large car into a very small space between two expensive looking motors. You’ll spend more time glancing in the rearview mirror to gauge your fellow road user’s frustration rather than checking your distance, but that’s all part of the fun.
To nail this spooky costume, simply borrow a child’s toy car, sit in it and then wear a cape for absolutely no reason. Then spend the entirety of your chosen Halloween party bumping into people and wasting their time apologising profusely using a wide range of hand gestures. People will be terrified!
3. Spooky Making An Important Phone Call
Your phone network has charged you twice this month and good grief are they going to get a piece of your mind about it. Before making the call itself, you’ll tell anyone who’ll listen about how outraged you are, then let them know that you’re off to ring ‘those dickheads’ now. You’ll practice the conversation in your head once or twice, then bottle it during the actual call and end up apologising to them for the inconvenience of highlighting their mistake.
To achieve this terrifying look, simply dress as normal and keep your phone up to your ear at all times. For an authentic effect, play some music by The Script to give the illusion that you’re listening to insufferable hold music the whole time. It might be a good idea to audibly sigh a few times throughout the course of the evening, as well as saying ‘Ugh for God’s sake’ every now and then. SpoooooOOOOOooooky.
4. Spooky Girl Walking Home Alone At Night
As a girl, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Walking anywhere alone at night is absolutely terrifying. Every person you encounter is a potential threat and it’s not uncommon to clutch some form of a weapon (usually house keys or a can of deodorant) in your bag in case a situation arises. LOL so spooky though!
To get this costume in order, you’ll dress warmly for the elements, then have a concerned look on your face the entire time. You’ll need to get a bit of a fright when people try to talk to you and then quickly run away in fear of your life. If someone aggressively approaches you and says ‘Relax, I’m not going to hurt you’, it’s vital that you run as fast as you can at that point. Aw Halloween is such fun 🙂
5. Spooky Pension Plan
Apparently, there’s this thing called a pension that everyone is supposed to be contributing to at the moment? It seems fake and I’m still on the fence about it, but allegedly it isn’t a prank. Again, this wasn’t taught in school because we were too busy cutting shapes into potatoes, then dipping them in paint and pressing them onto paper, but that’s an important life skill that we’re all grateful to have in today’s competitive job market.
For the Spooky Pension Plan costume, simply buy a novelty-sized jar and fill it with copper coins, as well as your naked and vulnerable body. As you’re enjoying the night, ask those nearby to contribute to safeguarding your future. Tell them that if they give you £1, you will mind it for them and in 40 years time, give back 70p of that money, with no real explanation as to where the remaining 30p has gone. It’s an incredible opportunity that they’re sure to want to get involved with.
6. Spooky Closing Your Eyes In The Shower And Getting Scared That There’s A Murderer About To Strike
You’re in the shower, it’s a good time. There’s music playing on your phone which is a safe distance away from the flowing water, the temperature is just right and you’re using that shower gel that tingles in all the right places. You briefly close your eyes while you run the water over your head and suddenly your brain decides that there’s a murderer ready to pounce in that moment. Your eyes open and there’s no one there. Adulthood is fun.
The outfit is pretty obvious from the image above. Simply wet your neck and no other part of your naked body, then allow it to drop down towards your chest. Up top, you’re going to need some shampoo and don’t forget to keep your eyes shut the entire time. Fellow Halloween enthusiasts will be floored at your bravery of being both naked and blind for the evening. “You are brave, but also very spooky”, they’ll say.
7. Spooky Parents Questioning You About Settling Down
This fun event takes place every time you voluntarily do some hard time by visiting the folks. They’ll start with the standard lines of inquiry such as how work is and why you’re still doing your hair like that, then they’ll get into the nitty-gritty and inform you (in case you’ve forgotten since the last time they said it) that they’d love to attend a wedding at some stage and subsequently see their grandkids before they die.
For this outfit, you’ll require a second person, ideally someone elderly. You’ll both wear normal clothes, but the older person will be slightly more comfortable in theirs. You’ll need to sport a pained expression while in character and shake your head in frustration every so often. The other person will put a reassuring but firm hand on your shoulder at intervals also, to enhance the spook factor.
8. Spooky Friend Request From Your Boss
We’ve all been in this situation and it’s a deeply troubling and harrowing experience. You’ve just started a new job, things seem to be going well. You’re successfully adapting your personality to fit in with your new surroundings and nobody seems to have figured out that you’re a weirdo just yet. It’s a fresh start, you can reinvent yourself and finally be the normal person you’ve always craved to be. Then your boss adds you on Facebook and everything is fucked.
The costume itself is very simple, just screenshot and print out the little icon that appears on your homepage when the request comes in, then wear it. Your face needs to successfully evoke the fear that you’re feeling at that particular time. It should be pale with anxiety and have a small tinge of panic around the eyes. People will constantly ask you if you’re okay, and you will need to be very honest and say ‘No, I am not’. SpoooOOooky.
