Look, someone had to do it.
Off the back of the hugely successful venture in ranking Cluedo and Guess Who characters from least to most horny, it’s only natural that our efforts must turn to that of a Care Bear.
It’s a deeply disturbing task, but sometimes these things just need to be created and immortalised in the public domain.
Truly, from the bottom of my heart, I cannot apologise enough for what is about to transpire.
Sorry.
10. Friend Bear
Easily the least horniest Care Bear is Friend Bear, purely because she’s only ever going to be interested in friendship. Her belly badge is two smiling sunflowers, and a less horny piece of imagery simply does not exist. Friend Bear is a kind and friendly bear, one whose main goal is to teach people that the best way to make friends is by being yourself. That’s a far too wholesome a modus operandi to equate with having a gigantic horn and I simply won’t do it.
Friend Bear friend zones everyone she meets within seconds. She’s simply not interested in indulging in any sexual desires. Friend Bear will be the best friend you’ve ever had, but she will run a mile if you try to linger a hug for longer than a second or two. She might be the least horniest Care Bear, but much to her credit, she is undeniably the best friend you will ever have the good fortune of knowing.
9. Grumpy Bear
Grumpiness might be a fetish for some people, but not for Grumpy Bear. He gives off very little sexual energy, mostly because he is in an eternal state of gloom. He’s a very negative Care Bear, one who’s rarely happy but still values he friends. On very special occasions, Grumpy Bear will smile. Those situations include finding that it’s cheaper to buy a multipack of chocolate bars rather than singly, winning his money back on a scratch card and perusing the Twitter feed of Kanye West.
On the whole, he’s just not a very horny guy. Grumpy Bear has other things on his mind, such as the state of turmoil that the world has descended into. His special occasion smiles are becoming less and less frequent. Honestly, it’s not even about being performatively grumpy for everyone anymore. He’s just reflecting the bottomless pit of despair that he sees all around him. In a way, there’s no room for being horny anymore. What’s the point? We’re all going to die.
8. Good Luck Bear
While he wishes you every success in your pursuit of quenching your own personal horn, Good Luck Bear is not in a position of palpable horniness himself. He’s an incredibly busy guy, tending to various events throughout the year and obtaining four leafed clovers to hand out to fans if and when he sees them. It’s a full-time job, which leaves little time to express his sexual desires. Although it’s likely that they exist, they manifest in a lesser quantity than many of his fellow Care Bears.
It’s likely that Good Luck Care Bear has experienced great fortune in the *~relations~* department over the years, far more than you can even imagine, but he’s now honourably turned his efforts towards other people. He wants their insatiable horniness to prevail more than anything else, even more than his own horn. That’s a true MVP right there. Good Luck Bear sacrifices his own jollies for others to enjoy theirs. Knight him, immediately.
7. Birthday Bear
Birthdays are, at their very core, incredibly horny times. Birthday Bear knows this and similarly to Good Luck Bear, he’s got very little motivation other than bringing the good times to you. He wants you to have a horny (and happy) birthday. His main character trait involves a fondness for parties and games, ergo, he is going to get your horn quenched at any cost. Birthday Bear has a flame on his belly badge, but only you can put that fire out, literally and metaphorically speaking. (By fucking).
He comes around once a year and gets you in a good mood. Anything could happen, and heck, maybe it will. Your birthday horn is a special type of horn, it’s different to the everyday one. Birthday Bear exudes that horn, but uses it as inspiration for the cause. Between him and Good Luck Bear, you will have a birthday to remember. It’s about you. It’s an entirely selfless act they’re doing and one that you better remember to send a thank you card for, you ungrateful son of a bitch.
6. Funshine Bear
Funshine – like sunshine, but with fun instead of sun. Do you get it? Great. There’s a sizeable horn in this Care Bear, it has to be noted. He loves having fun and telling jokes, often lacking focus in moments that require a level of seriousness. As a personality, that’s very horny. He craves banter, presumably of a sexual nature, and is prepared to go to great lengths in his obtention of it. His name is comprised of a pun, lest you need further confirmation of his sexual appetite.
The giant sun on Funshine Bear’s belly serves as a reminder that the weather can have a strong effect on the nation’s level of horn. Spirits run high in times of good weather, with an almost guaranteed increase in birth rates nine calendar months after periods of good weather. Funshine Bear not only provides a horn, he also exercises his own. That sun on his belly isn’t smiling, it’s climaxing.
5. Cheer Bear
Cheer Bear’s USP is that she’s incredibly happy at all times and wants everyone else to feel the same way. She’ll stop at nothing to achieve universal happiness, by any means possible. As a logical deduction, it’s a guaranteed certainty that Cheer Bear will do anything to make someone happy. She’ll turn a frown upside down with a trip to town, if you catch my drift. What I am saying is that she will grant any request that will result in happiness. Like sex-wise. Anything.
It comes from a place of love. Cheer Bear has the capacity to change the world, one happiness-inducing-wish-granting at a time. It’s not her fault that people are scum and desire unconventional things. If anything, she’s guilty of simply being too obliging. Her rainbow belly badge serves as a symbol of strength, inclusion, harmony and horniness. Everything comes at a price. Happiness can lead to horniness, if you just believe it.
4. Wish Bear
Make a wish and Wish Bear will see that it comes true. What kind of wish is Wish Bear hoping you’ll make? Well that’s a secret she’ll never tell. Luckily, I will. Wish Bear is hoping that you want her to engage in ~*relations*~ with you. That’s the only wish she’s interested in granting, the horny devil, but due to the stringent conditions of her contract, she’ll grant other boring wishes as well, such as world peace, eradicating hunger and fixing the hole in the ozone layer, but her heart lies elsewhere.
Wish Bear is moderately horny. She’s got a handle on it, but has no issue in letting it flow when the situation dictates it. One of her core values is that even though sometimes peoples’ wishes don’t come true, working hard to help make them come true is fun. Basically, she can never lose. Wish Bear might make a mess of your wish, but if it involves sating her relentless horn, she’ll happily oblige.
3. Tenderheart Bear
Tender is his heart and also are his loins. Tenderheart is one horny son of a bitch and he’s got no interest in hiding it. His mission in life is to help everyone to show and express their feelings, and to encourage people to be the most caring they can be. Anyway, what’s more caring than indulging a horny Care Bear in his favourite activity? Absolutely nothing. He’s manipulating people into accepting and enabling his horn. It’s sick, but funny.
Tenderheart Bear has a good heart, it’s in the right place, but his horn gets in the way. It affects his job and rational thinking, meaning he often lands himself in some tricky lawsuits. Luckily, Care Bears are all assigned top tier lawyers and usually manage to weasel their way out of bother. Tenderheart may be perpetually horny, but he’s also committed to making this world a better place, which is more than can be said for some of his colleagues.
2. Bedtime Bear
Of course Bedtime Bear is incredibly horny, his whole personality revolves around the fact that he wants to ensure that everyone gets a good night’s sleep. He will go to great lengths to make sure that every man, woman and child on earth gets a solid eight hours of shut eye. Those lengths are not beyond questionable acts, which are often being done for this particular Care Bear’s benefit as opposite to humanity’s.
Bedtime Bear’s horn has proven problematic in the past. There was an incident where he misread a situation and ended up giving a very prominent British political leader a hand job in his pursuit of delivering a satisfactory night’s sleep. Everything was cleared up without garnering any media attention thanks to a super injunction, but it definitely happened. Bedtime Bear’s motives are pure. He just wants you to have a good night whilst also seeing to his relentless horn being quenched. Two birds, one stone, etc.
1. Love-a-Lot Bear
Obviously a Care Bare named ‘Love-a-Lot’ was always going to land in the top spot of this important list. As her name suggests, she likes to love a lot. She spreads love wherever she goes, which is a direct result of her horn. But her horn is in the right place, as it comes from love. She’s sexually excited more or less all the time, but she also craves experiencing and sharing love. It’s a beautiful thing and something the world undoubtedly needs more of.
Other Care Bears are shamed for their bountiful sexual appetites, but Love-a-Lot gets away with it because her name gives, as advertised, a good indication of her interests. She’s had many lovers and will continue to do so, but she’s also making real headway in the Care Bear community in getting the bears to stop shaming each other over their expressions of sexuality. Love-a-Lot is horny as hell, but she’s fine with it and you should be too. Prude.
