It’s election day. Hillary Clinton is the favourite to become President, but this is 2016. It’s the year of Brexit, the death of Bake Off, and all of our favourite celebrities kicking the bucket.
Anything can happen, and it’s probably going to be this…
November 9, 2016: Donald Trump is elected President of the United States in a landslide victory. He celebrates by removing his shirt live on CNN and draping his nipples across the lens of the camera.
January 20, 2017: Trump is sworn in as the 45th President of the USA. He is inaugurated while wearing a giant foam finger, so that the world doesn’t laugh at him for his pathetic tiny hands.
January 20, 2017: In his inauguration speech, he claims he is making history by becoming the first ever US President to boast a 14-inch penis, “and that’s not even erect”.
January 20, 2017: Trump faces the first lying scandal of his presidency, as several noted historians come forward to point out that Woodrow Wilson was in fact “hung like a fucking donkey”.
January 23, 2017: Just three days after entering office, Trump orders a government-funded feature-length film to be made about his presidency so far. Like Eddie Murphy in “Norbitt”, he will play every part.
February 12, 2017: In his first true act as President of the United States, Trump exiles Kristen Stewart to Cuba, and orders the entire Twilight saga to be remade, starring himself as Bella.
February 13, 2017: Trump is criticised heavily in the media for commissioning six films starring himself in just his first week in power, and yet failing to speak once about any form of policy that might affect the future of the country.
February 14, 2017: He announces the film about his time in office will now be a trilogy.
March 2, 2017: Remembering the “beast” that attacked him back in his campaigning days, Trump has every bald eagle in America rounded up and shot, and names his daughter Ivanka as America’s new “national bird”.
April 10, 2017: He tries repeatedly to trigger America’s Article 50, despite the EU explaining to him very clearly that the US is not a member.
April 14, 2017: People start to notice the White House looking “mysteriously tanned”, particularly for this time of year.
August 22, 2017: Trump makes a statement by putting one of his flagship policies into action and erecting a wall around Mexico. Unfortunately, he gets the borders completely wrong, and ends up accidentally giving away Texas.
August 23, 2017: Incensed, Trump declares war on his own wall.
September 8, 2017: President Trump shocks the world by announcing a new currency, “Trumpcoin”, and claims that the dollar “just kinda sucks. It had to go, who is this loser with his face on here? Trumpcoin will Make Money Great Again!”
September 9, 2017: No one really knows how to deal with this, so everyone quietly just decides to ignore it and hope he just forgets.
December 25, 2017: Trump passes a law that all men who live in the United States must have his exact haircut.
January 14, 2018: On a bit of a roll, he also manages to pass a law that states it is now legal to marry your own daughter.
March 31, 2018: His run of success is thwarted when he attempts to crown Nigel Farage the “King of Britland” but is informed that as US President he does not have that power, and that Britland isn’t a real place.
April 1, 2018: Trump declares war on Britland.
August 17, 2018: Putting another of his flagship policies into practice, Trump tries to ban all muslims from entering America, but accidentally just stops them buying clothes from American Apparel instead.
November 1, 2018: He forces McDonald’s to rename all of their restaurants Donald’s, and the famous golden arches are now a giant pair of boobs.
February 21, 2019: In perhaps his biggest presidential “gaffe” to date, Trump forgets Africa exists while live on Jimmy Kimmel. Matters are made worse for him when he announces that by way of apology, he will donate $5 to The Donkey Sanctuary, a small charity in Devon.
July 11, 2019: Trump gives a rousing speech on the site of Ground Zero commemorating the “horrific 7-Eleven attacks“.
July 25, 2019: Fed up with all the “losers and haters” criticising him, he spends the country’s entire welfare budget on a fully-functioning clone of himself, “to deal with all the boring President shit”.
October 7, 2019: Trump attempts to give Ireland to Vladimir Putin as a 66th birthday present.
December 2, 2019: Either Trump or his clone, no one is really sure at this point, announces a new initiative: “Trumpcare”. It will provide free healthcare to everyone in America, but only if you’re a woman who is getting breast implants, and if Trump himself tells you to get them.
January 15, 2020: Trump gambles away 13 states in a game of poker with North Korea.
February 1, 2020: Realising he is starting to get worryingly low on landmass, and with the election coming up later that year, Trump tries to have Scotland shipped over to the east coast of the US, mostly so that he has somewhere to play his golf.
February 4, 2020: Scotland votes unanimously to tell Trump to “fuck off”, and instead rejoins the European Union, having separated from the rest of the UK at the end of last year.
February 9, 2020: In better news for the President, the New York Trumps (formerly the Giants), win their third straight Super Bowl after the Denver Broncos mysteriously fail to show up for the contest. Trump himself starts as quarterback.
March 20, 2020: He is also closing in on being named People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for the fourth year in a row.
May 13, 2020: Trump announces that he is declaring Pluto a planet again, and that he plans to use it to house all of the world’s immigrants. By now, everyone is really quite tired of all this.
July 16, 2020: Having spent the past few months staring up into space, he starts to feel like the moon is mocking him. He tells the moon that if it does not disappear within 30 days, he will have no choice but to declare war on it.
August 15, 2020: Trump declares war on the moon.
September 7, 2020: Still 14 states down on when he started as President, Trump tries to force Justin Trudeau to rename Canada “The United Hat of America”.
October 16, 2020: Eager for a bit of good media coverage during his re-election campaign, he appoints his good friend Piers Morgan as his press secretary.
