Mother of Pearl.
A waxwork museum in Peru has just revealed its latest masterpiece*, Lady Gaga.
*garbage creation.
https://twitter.com/tobeymonster/status/921163419356680192
Once you’ve finished shuddering, we need to have a quick chat about it.
I’ve got several questions.
Question 1 – Do they have poor internet connections in Peru and have therefore only ever seen Lady Gaga in standard definition?
Should this be the case, I could both start and end with my questioning here. We’re assuming that the maker of this striking waxwork has seen Lady Gaga in full resolution at some stage and that’s quite a presumption to make. Here on the mainland, we’re spoiled with fast internet connections at home and on our phones. You’d easily forget that there are places in the world where you can’t access Casey Neistat’s vlogs in 4k. Some people have to wait twenty minutes for a viral video to load, only to discover that the ‘adorable sound a baby whale makes’ is actually just sex noises.
Let’s indulge the theory that the person that made this waxwork has never seen Lady Gaga properly. That would explain the piercing eyes, harsh mouth and lipstick-sodden teeth. But riddle me this, how would he/she have known to clothe Gaga in a meat dress? That’s a 2010 classic piece of trivia that not everyone is aware of. The maker of the statue clearly knows Gaga, you can’t have not seen this woman but still be aware that she once wore a detailed meat dress. It’s illogical.
Question 2 – Who signed off on this waxwork?
Presumably the person who made this harrowing piece has a supervisor or a superior in some form. Did that person give them the go-ahead? Was it their first time being given the reins to fly solo on a project or is this person a notorious waxwork ruiner? There’s a lot of variables that have led us to this point. Even when the waxwork was finished, warts and all, it still wasn’t too late for someone to pull the plug and melt her down to a puddle of wax, ripe for another go. Things went too far too quickly.
Whatever transpired, it’s logical to assume that this person answers to somebody. Did they give progress reports along the way, or was there anyone nearby during construction? I know nothing about the art of waxworkery, but if I walked past someone who was crafting the above monstrosity, I couldn’t help but offer up my advice, such as “Maybe look at a photograph for reference” or “Please quit your job. You are terrible at it”. This seems like an act of sabotage. Perhaps a jealous co-worker allowed this person to procure their own downfall by giving inaccurate feedback.
Question 3 – Does the person that made this waxwork figure hate Lady Gaga or their job or both?
This is not the artwork of a happy person, either way. This is a cry for help. One of two things has happened here. The artist may have had a troubling interaction with Gaga in the past. Perhaps he/she tweeted the star in the hopes of a response or even a measly favourite. Instead, they were met with silence. Gaga continued to tweet, while that message sat idly by in her mentions. A reply would’ve meant the world to this struggling artist whose cat had a sneezing fit so severe that it popped an eyeball clean out of its head. Lady Gaga didn’t even have the decency to extend her well wishes.
Alternatively, the artist simply despises his/her job. They always get the shitty tasks like cleaning the toilet after a strong coffee tasting class and wiping the lipgloss off One Direction’s mouths down in the gallery. When he/she was given the opportunity to carve Lady Gaga out of wax, they decided to stage a silent protest. He/she made an absolute balls of the waxwork so much so that it has gone viral on the internet. That museum is a disgrace, nobody will ever go there again. Actually, I would go. I want a photograph with this monstrosity. That artist is a marketing genius.
Question 4 – Did Cecelia Jiminez have anything to do with this?
Although she’s more of a fixer than a creator, it’s not outside the realms of possibility that Cecelia could be involved in some capacity. She’s kept an impressively low profile since the Fresco Jesus incident of 2012, but when you’ve got a gift as precious as hers, it’s impossible to keep it contained. I’d like to put forward the hypothesis that Cecelia has struck again. She flew to Peru and offered up her incredibly niche services to the unsuspecting staff at the Museo de Cera.
We mustn’t put the blame on these unsuspecting souls. They were tricked, much like those folk in the church that housed the fresco. On the surface, Cecelia seems like a wonderfully caring soul, with all the love and spirit of the Lord in her heart. In reality, she’s a big ruiner who has created havoc before and will do it again. She must be stopped. Scotland Yard need to investigate where she was at the time of the waxwork model being made. I don’t want to libel her any further, but it’s too big of a coincidence not to mention.
Question 5 – Is Lady Gaga ever going to acknowledge this eyesore and if so, in what capacity?
As of yet, Gaga hasn’t commented on this inaccurate depiction of herself. It’s possible that she hasn’t seen it yet or is so appalled that she can’t summon up the strength to comment. If she’s the astute businesswoman that I believe she is, Gaga will have forwarded the images onto her team who are currently in the process of getting the statue humanely demolished and the personnel responsible fired. That’s the only acceptable course of action from her side at present.
But entertain me if you will. What if Gaga produced the dankest meme of all time out of this waxwork. So dank it can only be looked at for a very short amount of time before it starts to imprint on your retina. She’d win major internet points, probably become the most retweeted celebrity of all time and prove to everyone that she is an enormous amount of fun. Folks, let’s assemble a team and send her some proposed memes. It’s the least we can do for this woman whose appearance has been besmirched by a shoddy waxwork museum in Peru. Vive la résistance (or whatever the Peruvian equivalent is).
