Goosebumps books were the key to popularity in primary school.
They perfectly encapsulated what it felt like to be a terrified little child in this cruel and unforgiving world. Any student that didn’t trade Goosebumps books is in jail now.
When adulthood descended, many of us turned to the familiar stories of Goosebumps books to comfort us. Just last week a sobering tale of a haunted mansion scared the bejeepers out of me.
But why did they have to stop at childhood fears? Why couldn’t R.L. Stine continue his literature to cater for adult life, for the real things that terrify us all, like mortgages and the confusing taxation system?
Let’s indulge the fantasy.
This terrifying tale covers the earth-shattering task of giving the lavatory a quick spruce up. Perhaps you live alone, or even worse, in a house share with multiple animalistic adult humans. This book will have you shaking to your very core at the harsh realities of brushing a stranger’s pube from underneath the toilet seat only to later find that your rubber gloves have sprung a leak. 9 Goosebumps out of 10.
Adulthood brings with it many troublesome events, some of which are death-inducing. Everyone’s made the cardinal mistake of leaving the heating on overnight, only to wake to a situation in which you’re moments away from burning to death. Goosebumps books are all too familiar with this spectacle and they’re not afraid to draw on those tender emotions for perverted entertainment purposes. 9 Goosebumps out of 10.
Let he among us who hasn’t felt the wrath of an over-excited hairdresser cast the first stone. This book recalls the deeply horrifying moment where an unsuspecting adult falls victim to a botched haircut, reminding us all of that our desirability lies eternally at the hands of every haircutting technician in the world. ‘Yep that’s perfect, exactly what I wanted’ – you, when you’ve just received the John McCririck special. 9 Goosebumps out of 10.
As you enter adulthood, you start to notice multiple aspects about yourself that are insufficient. You hairline isn’t what it used to be, your cheekbones appear to have suffered an accident at work for which they may be entitled to compensation, and the bags under your eyes are likely to up the price of air travel worldwide. This book shares the terrifying tale of a man that simply went too far in his quest for beauty. 10 Goosebumps out of 10.
Camping stops being fun when you reach about 5 years of age. From then on, it’s cold, moist, uncomfortable and disgusting. Why does some cheapskate dickhead always suggest a group camping holiday when there’s talks of luxury going on? This book takes you on a dark and treacherous journey of friendship and how you need to cut your losses before it’s too late. 9.5 Goosebumps out of 10.
Halloween ceases to be a “fun” occasion when you’ve officially gotten too old to beg the neighbours for free sweets. There’s a few years of having no plans, then you start getting invited to fancy dress parties. It’s a very thin line between putting in the minimal amount of effort and looking a complete and utter disgrace. This book covers the harrowing experience of being overdressed at a Halloween party *audible gasp*. 8 Goosebumps out of 10.
Dog owners need to get a fucking grip. If you are brazen enough to own a dog, then kindly collect its faeces to prevent other people from ruining their Yeezys. Goosebumps’ latest collection hones in on a dramatic recollection of one man’s actions after being subjected to a ripe dog turd while wearing sandals. Shudders guaranteed. 10 Goosebumps out of 10.
Truly, there is nothing spookier than rising rent prices across the country. This horrifying novel follows one student as he has to decide between paying rent or eating food for a full calendar month. It’s a gripping tale packed with twists, turns, bargaining and a smidge of sex work. Goosebumps have done it again with this instant classic! 9 Goosebumps out of 10.
Congratulations, you’re an adult! Now you get to enjoy fun things such as returning to your family home for a mediocre BBQ. This troubling tale recounts the story of a family that starved to death because Dad took so long lighting and then subsequently cooking the barbecue for his family. Hungry, tired and confused, death snuck up on them like college debt. They never stood a chance. 8 Goosebumps out of 10.
One of the most harrowing things you can experience as a grown-up is having a solid 10/10 joke bomb. You might be among friends, family or even strangers, but neither situation makes it more comfortable. This scary book will have you screaming for your Mummy as you read about the tale of a man whose joke, much like flight MH370, simply didn’t land. 10 Goosebumps out of 10.
Raw images via Goosebumps Wikia
