Yes, it is a slow news day actually.
For no reason whatsoever, I woke up of a morning and decided that I wanted to cause havoc and mass unrest, so I wrote something innocuous on the internet.
After that, my mind wandered into dangerous territory, experiencing the kind of thoughts you should ignore but for some reason cannot. I wanted to torment strangers that were working, but ultimately put a smile on their faces.
With that level of oddball behaviour in mind, I took to the internet. Specifically, to online support chats. Armed with a multitude of Nickelback lyrics, I decided to test the detectability of Chad Kroeger’s lyrics. Here’s how I got on.
Netflix
Jesse was a good sport. He/she was extremely up for entertaining my bullshit, which I appreciated. It didn’t take Jesse long to crack the code and I’m hoping a large amount of satisfaction ensued. What I didn’t appreciate was the survey at the end. I don’t have time for your fucking survey.
Apple
In the interest of preserving my identity, I put a lot of time into concocting a pseudonym and landed on John. Debra didn’t suspect a thing. Once I provided Debs with the lyrics, my jaw literally hit the floor when old D-money hit me with THE REST OF THE FUCKING LYRICS OF PHOTOGRAPH BY NICKELBACK. I was shaking. Mad, mad respect to Debra. She is my favourite person in the entire world now.
Vodafone
Manish was quick to detect that I was pulling his leg. Although he incorrectly identified the band as ‘Nikle back’, his heart was in the right place. He rightfully ignored my request for him to finish the song with me, which was a shame because it could’ve been special. Either way, Manish was a champ.
Just Eat
Things really went to shit here. Hazel is very clearly not a Nickelback fan, so she didn’t recognise the lyrical prowess of Chad Kroeger. All respect to Hazel, she was doing her best with a difficult situation, but I have to insist that she brushes up on her Nickelback knowledge if she wants to secure any real future as an online chat support agent. Get it together, Hazel.
HTC
HTC never replied, they were rightfully having none of my bullshit. Does that make them scum? No, it makes me scum. Scum for wanting Nickelback to be more friendship-inducing than they clearly are
Samsung
The bad luck continued with Samsung. Dexter was a decent guy, simply trying to get to the bottom of my non-existent query. He was listening, but he wasn’t LISTENING, because he would’ve heard the dulcet tones of Nickelback in my words. I wanted him to catch on, I willed him to catch on. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. Sleep tight, sweet prince.
Paddy Power
Brian, Brian, Brian. You absolute tease. You made me work for it, you kept your cool and remained an absolute professional throughout. When push came to shove, you recognised the lyrics and gave me exactly what I wanted, albeit with a condition. I’m sorry for interrupting your workday, Brian. But thank you for indulging me, just this once. You’ve saved the day after a few difficult encounters, and I appreciate you for that.
In conclusion, I would like to publicly apologise for wasting these kind folks’ time for the sake of #content. They were all good sports and if nothing else, hopefully my stupidity gave them a quick break from angry and rude customers. But in all likelihood I annoyed the shit out of them. Soz.
