Jesus would’ve crushed Snapchat.
From what I know of the guy, he definitely had a decent sense of humour at a time where getting stoned meant something entirely different.
Let’s pretend social media, specifically Snapchat, existed at the time of Jesus’ crucifixion and subsequent resurrection. Double pretending, if you will. Add to that, the fact that Jesus was probably an absolute lad who eternally struggled to quench his insatiable thirst for banter.
Here’s what he probably would’ve been Snapping.
Jesus 100% would’ve Snapchatted everything he ate because food was scarce and it is a rite of passage for any true LAD
Jesus would’ve used Judas’ weirdness to his advantage, constantly making a fool of him in the safe haven of Snapchat. Judas didn’t have Snapchat, he was too busy being a snake and unnecessarily kissing people
Classic random #LadsNightOut banter would’ve been documented on Snapchat because as we all know, if something funny happens and it isn’t Snapped, it never truly happened.
Spade a spade, there’s a high chance that Jesus dabbled in being a f**kboy. It was the Apostles’ influence, he wanted to remain pure and holy, but a man needs to get his kicks
(I can’t apologise enough for this one. Sincerely, I’m sorry)
Where did Jesus get all his loin cloths? Obviously he had to go into town and buy them, just like the rest of us. But did he enjoy it? Did he fuck
Jesus’ magical powers, much like Harry Potter’s, were always a source of #top #lad #banter. He’d order tap water in every restaurant as the apostles would erupt with laughter. Those waiters would’ve barely turned their backs and there’d be a toasty Merlot plonked on the table
As the original #influencer, Jesus would’ve likely been approached for many sponsorship deals, but ever the realist, he would only enter partnerships he truly believed in
The irony of many of Jesus’ hobbies would’ve only come to light after his passing, but that doesn’t mean we can’t retrospectively have a good old LOL at them now
His crucifixion would’ve been a dodgy time for Snapchat, the invention of Snapchat Spectacles really would’ve come in handy but you live and you die and you resurrect and you live and you learn, I guess
His optimism was always a big part of Jesus’ Snapchat. Even when he was literally nailed to a cross, he still managed to find the silver lining <3
Shocked at how his iPhone battery managed to last for three days, Jesus’ Snapchat friends quickly forgot this continuity error as they were invited to share a beautiful moment with J-Dogg
Nobody was more surprised by his resurrection than his Snapchat followers, that’s for sure. They were the first to find out and this final image was actually his most screengrabbed Snap ever
Anyways, I’m going to hell, so I’ll probably see you there.
