We’ve all been there
Unless you too have been trapped midway through the cover of a sewer, the news will by now have reached you that a rat was too fat to escape a manhole cover in Germany.
German firefighters eventually came to the rescue, releasing the seemingly unnamed ‘heckin chonker’ of a rat from its predicament in Bensheim after the local animal rescue team struggled to dislodge it.
That is the story so far. That is what we know. But that’s about to change.
I’ve managed to track down the chubby rat, allowing him the opportunity to clear his name and shed some light on the events that transpired.
Here is what happened. Here is the truth. Here is journalism.
Me: Rat, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me today.
Rat: No problem Ciara, and call me Otto.
Me: Otto. Sure. Am I hearing a bit of an accent there?
Otto: No.
Me: Cool. Listen, I’d imagine the last couple of days have been quite intense for you?
Otto: Yeah it’s been pretty hectic. I’ve been thrown into the grubby mitts of the infamous media circus and it’s all entirely by accident.
Me: Stop. You poor thing. Let’s get into it. Can I ask what were you doing in the sewer in the first place?
Otto: I toyed with making up some elaborate story such as pretending that I am actually Splinter from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but nobody would ever believe me. The truth is, I was down there looking for some kunst.
Me: Sorry, some what?
Otto: Kunst. Sorry, art. I was looking for art. You see, I’m a painter. I paint things. The problem is, I’ve run out of things to paint. A friend of mine, Hans, he recommended that I get out of my comfort zone and explore some new places for inspiration
Me: Right, so you chose a sewer?
Otto: No. I chose a human. I was ingested by the lady who lives upstairs, I mean technically it’s all her house, my family and I just take up the ground floor. Anyway, Anna was eating some exotic meats for dinner and I said my temporary goodbyes to the family, then slipped myself onto the plate. She swallowed me whole and then I went about making my way through her digestive tract.
Me: This sounds fake, but continue…
Otto: Paw on heart, it’s true. Oh, the things I saw. Small intestines, large intestines, lungs, spleen, and finally the big A. The anus! My creative juices were flowing, but unfortunately it wasn’t long before Anna evicted me, for lack of a better phrase. She gave me my two weeks notice, minus the two weeks. She took a shit and I was deposited into the toilet bowl.
Me: Okay, but surely you knew that would happen?
Otto: Honestly, I hadn’t really thought that far ahead. I just wanted to have a look inside a human, we’ve all been there. Anyway, once the toilet was flushed, I was blasted through time, space and the German sewage system. Thankfully, I’m a good swimmer and don’t suffer from motion sickness, so it was actually quite exciting for me.
Me: Thankfully! What next?
Otto: So I end up at the bottom of what seems to be a sewage pipe. The smell was disgusting. I swear I saw the clown from IT down there, but classic me, I forgot the mobile so couldn’t take any photographs for proof. Still, my word is reliable. The problem at this point was that I couldn’t get to the top of the sewer. My paws couldn’t get any traction on the sides. I was stuck and honestly, a little bit scared.
Me: I can well imagine. So what did you do?
Otto: I waited. I just waited. I knew that the sewer would eventually fill up with enough rainwater to allow me to float to the top and escape. For buoyancy reasons, I decided to bulk up. I ate whatever came my way. Juice cartons, pizza crusts, prawn cocktail crisps, human faeces, anything I could find.
Me: Ugh, prawn cocktail crisps? That’s disgusting.
Otto: I know, but beggars can’t be choosers. Anyway, flash forward to earlier this week. We had a lot of rainfall and I knew that the end was near, could feel it in my waters. I got a good night’s rest and prepared for my final voyage. Finally, when I woke, my belly was touching the sewer lid. I made it! All that was left to do was for me to slip through the gaps in the cover.
Me: But you couldn’t squeeze out?
Otto: Oh no I fit perfectly, honestly like a glove, but I left my vape down there. So what happened was I got out, celebrated by raiding the nearest supermarket bin, then returned to fetch my vape. I decided to go back in feet-first because I don’t like putting my face underwater. Just as luck would have it, I gained so much weight during the feast, I couldn’t get back inside.
Me: Incredible. So the reports are all wrong. You were actually trying to get back in?
Otto: Yep. But my newly-chubby bottom, not for the first time, let me down. I got stuck. I was there for hours before a young local girl spotted me. She told her parents, shouting something about Ratatouille, a menace I’m regularly mistaken for. Let’s just say if his cooking was half as good as my painting, he’d be a household name by now!
Me: He’s a pretty decent cook though, and more or less a household name?
Otto: No you’re wrong. Look, long story short, some burly German firefighters eventually squeezed my sizeable bottom out of the sewer cover and the rest is history.
Me: Thank the Lord. How will you repay these kind souls that banded together to ensure your safe removal from the sewer?
Otto: I’m going to give the young girl some art lessons because as you can see in the photographs, she drew a picture of me and it’s complete garbage. Just offensively bad. Really unflattering. I know I’ve put on some weight but I still have a cute face and endearing figure. She really did me dirty on that one.
Me: You’re a sweetheart. So what does the future hold?
Otto: Well, obviously I’m looking forward to documenting my adventures on some canvas, I might write a book, and I’m not really allowed to say right now, but sod it, I’m in talks with Disney about turning my story into a movie.
Me: Wow! That’s brilliant news. I’d certainly watch it. Let me guess the name – The Rat & The Sewer?
Otto: No, I was thinking something like…
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