FAO JA RULE
Mr. Rule, I am writing to you with the business proposition of a lifetime. Forget about Fyre Festival, a new venture is upon us.
Based on your recent tweet in which you describe being “hustled, scammed, bamboozled, hood winked, lead astray”, I can sense that your involvement in Fyre Festival has left you disheartened and rather upset.
To help dispel this negativity, it gives me great pleasure to invite you to embark upon a new adventure, one where you can deliver the promises set out by Fyre Festival, and then some.
Introducing: Lyre Festival. A transformative weekend consisting of a fully immersive music festival for Britain’s elite, set in an exotic and remote location. It’s more than a festival, it’s an experience that will change the lives of those fortunate enough to attend.
Put the heartbreak and embarrassment of the past behind you by investing heavily in the greatest party that will ever happen, pinky promise.
Not convinced? Allow me to give you the rundown of Britain’s inaugural Lyre Festival.
Celebrity Endorsement
Where Fyre Festival failed, Lyre Festival shall triumph.
I have secured the very reliable word of some of Britain’s most elite bloggers, influencers and socialites that they will Instagram the easily-recognised puce tile that’s going to be used to promote the Lyre experience. Given that you may not be familiar with the current celebrity culture in the UK, I can personally assure you that we have selected solely the best and brightest stars of our great nation. We refuse to be associated with anything other than cool.
Popular YouTuber Zoella’s dog (Nala) has just signed off on the necessary paperwork to legally agree to the terms of the deal, meaning that she will be posting a puce tile in the next couple of weeks once everything has been finalised. Having spoken to her at length about the festival, we here at Lyre are confident that her entire ethos is perfectly aligned with ours. Although dogs aren’t technically permitted on site at Lyre Festival, they can still promote the event, as per the legalities of fair social media usage. Trust me, Ja, Nala has exactly the kind of influence we need.
Connie from AOL is a much beloved British icon who’s kept the public gripped with intrigue for almost 20 years. Wherever Connie is, that’s where the party is. With her public endorsement for Lyre Festival, we are guaranteed to sell out within minutes. We’ve had to up our internet server requirements, preempting and hopefully preventing the inevitable crash that the website will suffer once Connie from AOL sets her puce tile Instagram post live. Perhaps her notoriety hasn’t yet reached the shores of the U.S., but let me assure you, Connie is to the UK what Oprah Winfrey is to the United States.
We’ve spared no expense in securing a definite maybe from highly respected actor and socialite Dean Gaffney regarding a sponsored Instagram post for Lyre Festival. Understandably, a public figure as desirable as big Deano cannot commit to everything on offer, and must carefully consider the prospective endorsements as they arise. I’m certain that attaching a name such as yours to Lyre Festival, Ja, would remove his hesitation almost instantly, allowing two heavyweights of the celebrity industry to carry the torch together, paving the way for a better future.
Other notable influencers we’re pursing to endorse Lyre Festival include:
- The lady who says ‘Mmm Danone’
- Jenny from The Chase
- Kony (of 2012 fame)
- Theo from Love Island 2017
- Dane Bowers
- Kensington Palace (waiting to hear back, but confident)
- Nick Hewer
- Churchill the nodding dog
- A Tesco meal deal
Music Acts
Obviously all of these celebrity endorsements mean nothing without the hook of a stellar music lineup, Ja. You know that, you’re not a fool. Fyre Festival failed to deliver on its mammoth promises, but Lyre Festival won’t fall victim to a similar fate as the acts have already been secured for the festival. A special clause in their contracts means that if they pull out, we are legally permitted to put them on blast in a heated callout video on YouTube. Trust me, Mr. Rule, these musicians are going to turn up, but also TURN UP, if you get me.
Thanks to the determination of my team and the good nature of the British music scene, we’ve managed to snag an enviable list of acts that are going to put Lyre Festival heads, shoulders, even knees and toes above the rest. Let me assure you, Ja, this is going to be the greatest festival, nay experience, the British public has ever been fortunate enough to have.
THE HEADLINERS:
- David Sneddon
- One half of the Cheeky Girls
- The Guy Who Says ‘Wonga’
Not convinced? Then let’s give a warm welcome to some of the other acts you’ll be seeing on [date TBC]:
– The 2004 formation of the Sugababes – The Ordinary Boys – 911 – The Proclaimers (Tribute Act) – Ed Sheeran – Eoghan Quigg – The Entire Fame Academy Series 2 Contestants – Nizlopi – tATu – Mr Blobby – Nickelback – A Small Child With A Vuvuzela – George Michael’s Hologram – Crazy Frog – Las Ketchup – Drew Barrymore’s Lisp – A Peperami (Original) – Vicks Vaporub – Sam And Mark – The Ebola Virus – Your Old Biology Teacher Who Had A Lazy Eye – Mumford & Sons – Les Battersby’s nephew –
…Along with many more to be announced!
Obviously there’s going to be more acts to be announced, Ja. You know this business. What we’ve got now is a confirmed list of excellence, but with many more to come. Let me assure your precious American brain that these are the sickest of the sick over here in the United Kingdom. It’s basically a Woodstock lineup.
Location
As I’ve said time and time again, where Fyre Festival has failed, we shall triumph. Learning from their mistakes, Lyre Festival will be taking place in the idyllic location of Somerset, specifically in the abandoned ruins of a very special place that’s pivotal to Britain’s history.
Fyre Festival had Pablo Escobar’s property, but we’ve got one better. Blobbyland! That’s right, Ja, in an unprecedented move, we’ve managed to secure the entire plot surrounding Mr Blobby’s home nestled in Crinkley Bottom and we’re inviting guests to insert themselves into the magic of what promises to be a fully immersive experience. Mr Blobby will be on site throughout the weekend to make campers feel at home, welcoming them into his beloved abode.
Dunblobbin
When they’re not having their minds blown away by such musical guests as The Ginger One From Girls Aloud, attendees of Lyre Festival can relax on the Crinkley Bottom Safari Ride, peruse The Deer Park, take a stroll through the Chinese Water Garden, even feed some trout at the Trout Feeding pond. Ja, you’re not a Brit, these may seem like menial activities to a man as worldly as yourself, but let me assure you that this is peak luxury British culture. Only the elite would dare attend a sea lion show. This is lavish living and you’re invited, Ja.
But how do you get there? How does one reach Crinkley Bottom? Excellent question.
We’ve just received confirmation that attendees will be chauffeur driven from the designated pickup point to their luxurious homes for the weekend by His Royal Highness Prince Philip. Why? Because greatness must exist solely in the company of greatness. Plus, he’s got a point to prove at the minute, best just to let him do whatever he wants.
Accommodation
The on-site facilities in Crinkley Bottom were perfectly sufficient when we visited the space, but “perfectly sufficient” simply isn’t good enough for our privileged clientele. Instead, we’ve drafted in noted British style icon Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen to jazz up the place, making it feel truly luxurious for attendees, whilst still maintaining that homely feel for all. Money is no object when you’re trying to achieve something fit for greatness.
Dunblobbin
To the untrained eye, the decor might seem to be an unconventional choice, but this is British culture at its finest. The floral patters exude wealth and grandeur, whilst the wonky photo frames and lampshades provide a high class and arty feel to the place. Attendees of Lyre festivals are paying for majestic features and that’s what we’re going to provide at any cost. The ticket prices, although yet to be finalised, are expected to appeal to a certain calibre of patron. When you invite the elite, you need to cater for their specific needs and expectations. We’re confident that Crinkley Bottom will meet those requirements and then some.
Dunblobbin
Learning from Fyre Festival’s mistakes, construction is currently underway to ensure that there’s going to be enough luxury housing for all of our guests. The main flaw with Fyre Festival was the fact that they couldn’t house everyone to the right standard, so we’ve enlisted the help of the top architects in the country and teamed them with construction experts so lightning fast, they often dispute that Rome being built in a day was far too generous a time allocation, boasting that they could’ve gotten it done in half an hour.
Dunblobbin
Trust me, Mr. Rule, this accommodation is going to be fit for a king. We’re a far cry from emergency housing here at Lyre Festival. This is an experience people are going to be talking about for a very long time.
Catering
Those paying top dollar (although we actually use Sterling over here, Ja, just FYI) to attend Lyre Festival will obviously expect the finest gourmet food on offer and we aim to deliver beyond their wildest dreams.
For breakfast, attendees of Lyre Festival will make their way to the Crinkley Bottom buffet where there’ll be one Kellogg’s variety pack to share between eight. Ja, variety packs are basically caviar in the UK. People go nuts for them. To avoid arguments over who gets the Coco Pops, the cereal will be allocated on a first come, first served basis. Patrons are welcome to swap between themselves, but we must advise that they do so at their own risk.
A mid-morning snack will be available to those feeling peckish, it is either a piece of fruit or a Frube flavour of their choice (limited stock available).
Lunchtime consists of a traditional British delicacy – Dairylea Lunchables. Ja, they are mind-blowing. You get to create your very own stack of cheese, ham and crackers with the wettest most confusing consistency of meat you will ever have the misfortune of touching. Attendees of Lyre Festival aren’t there for mediocrity. Their heightened palates will be satisfied with these classless canapés.
There will be no afternoon snack required as the Lunchables will fill even the largest of bellies.
For dinner, as all fans of the high life should expect, Lyre Festival will be serving a KFC Boneless Banquet. There are no bones in the banquet, nor will there be any picked with staff as we’ve pre-ordered enough food to feed most of the southern hemisphere. In the United States, KFC might be regarded as a fast food chain, but in the UK, it’s international gourmet cuisine. Trust me, Ja. We’ve thought of everything. Although the food is a minor feature of the festival, we’re going to have guests raving about it just as much as the music. I cannot stress enough how epic Lyre Festival is going to be.
Ja, this offer is bananas good. I’ve set out an overall taste of what Lyre Festival is about, but you need to trust me on this, it’s going to be a huge success. You need to clear your name from the tarnishes generated by your association with Billy ‘Crook’ McFartland and Lyre Festival is the way to do it. This is a guaranteed win for all involved. You’re going to get a healthy cut of the profits, all we need is for you to put your full support behind it today.
The ball is in your court, Mr. Rule. I look forward to hearing from you.
