Man’s reaction to brutal on-air friendzoning is truly heartbreaking

Oh, mate

Kyle Picknell

Man’s reaction to brutal on-air friendzoning is truly heartbreaking

Steve and Jessie: the most powerful love story of the 21st century

We don’t like to see this. Nobody likes to see this. But similar to when a drunk man stumbles into a McDonald’s after a heavy one and attempts to order everything on the menu only to try and pay with with his bus pass, you just can’t take your eyes away.

On American gameshow Let’s Make a Deal this week a pair of contestants – a woman and a man – produced an on-air moment so cringeworthy it is impossible not to watch without your face scrunching up like a ball of paper. Ladies and gentlemen, let me show you something. Let me show you the world’s most painful friendzoning, featuring Jessie and Steve. Steve and Jessie. And some of the purest encapsulations of human emotion you will ever see.

STAGE 1: CONFIDENCE IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT MAY OR MAY NOT ACTUALLY EXIST

First of all, look at Jessie. Look how hard she is laughing, already. Look at her, holding her stomach, mouth agape, physically in pain because this is all so funny to her. This is all to funny to her. This is not a good sign. This is clearly not a good sign for Steve as he looks at her, about to answer, wondering if he should really go through with this, wondering if she is really the one.

This man, in the upper rows of the audience, is already tilting his head in anticipation. He knows something is up:

“Six months”, Steve answers, suspiciously confidently. This is where things start to go wrong. This is the beginning of the end for Steve and Jessie.

STAGE 2: “WE’RE FRIENDS”

Hold on… what? This is clearly news to Steve. Look at his face, halfway between a grin and a grimace, slowly dropping like an Hawaiian sunset as he thinks:

Maybe… maybe we can play this off as a joke? People are laughing. People seem to be laughing. Maybe they get Jessie’s funny joke. Maybe this will all be fine.

STAGE 3: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Jessie doesn’t finish this sentence, which is just as well, because she really doesn’t need to.

Quickly realising that she may have angered Steve slightly she jumps away, and he pulls the following “You’ve gone too far: I AM OFFICIALLY, OFFICIALLY NOT HAPPY” face:

STAGE 4: THIS IS GOING TO GET WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER

Like a stern substitute teacher who is getting thoroughly embarrassed by his Year 8 Geography class, even by the good kids, even by the kids who actually want to sit and learn some interesting facts about Fjords, Steve utilises the only possible power-play he has left: the “I need to speak to you privately”.

He wants Jessie to stay behind after a class so he can threaten to call her parents.

Jessie? Jessie doesn’t seem too arsed, actually.

STAGE 5: EVERYBODY STILL THINKS THIS IS ALL ONE BIG JOKE BUT IT ISN’T ONE BIG JOKE

This is how everybody reacts to Steve’s attempt to control the situation. Like a bomb disposal expert he has cut the red wire, he has just gone and snapped the fucking red wire with some pliers, and now the bomb has exploded, and there is rubble everywhere, and he is dead.

Look at the audience. Look at Jessie. Look at Steve. Look up at the ceiling and shake your fist, there is no God here.

STAGE 6: THE KNIFE IN THE BACK, TWISTED

Steve is in full damage limitation now after the atomic blast of the last couple of scenes, so attempts to recover some of the situation by declaring, suddenly, that the situation is complicated.

Whilst he does this, Jessie is busy waving to the camera. Who is she waving to? Glad you asked.

All the single guys out there, in America. All the millions and millions and millions of single men watching at home.