Horoscopes, am I right?
Whether you choose to believe in nonsense astrological charts having an impact on your daily life or not, I need you to understand that the following horoscope predictions are all chillingly accurate and must be believed with the utmost sincerity.
I have meticulously examined the positions of the sun, moon, planets and everything else that is required to get an accurate prediction of how this month is going to go for you.
Family, friendships, relationships, health, wealth, acne, X Factor eliminations, it’s all written in the stars.
Simply find your zodiac sign below and behold the truth.
Aquarius
You’re going to order the best Chinese of your life on the third Friday of this month. Your local spot wasn’t great the last time, they forget the prawn crackers and honestly you should’ve just trusted your gut and gone with an Indian, but you live and you learn. This new Chinese will present itself into your life of its own volition (a leaflet coming through the door) and ever the samaritan, you indulge their desperation for your custom. This is the takeaway that turns your life around. Your mouth hasn’t known flavour like it. Also, a close family member is going to die this month. But the Chinese will prove to be a good source of comfort in these trying times, so every cloud.
Pisces
Winter has arrived and unfortunately your lips are going to bare the brunt of it. They’re going to become chapped beyond belief over the next few days, initially starting out feeling a bit dry, but then culminating in some of the most severe chapping you’ve ever experienced. Gross, crusty lips that look like desiccated coconut are going to take over your face. Coworkers will avoid speaking to you because your lips look like the rim of a margarita glass. Your other half will break up with you, refusing to kiss what feels like an exfoliating scrub. No amount of lip lubrication will unchap your kisser. But in positive news, you’ll win £4 on a scratch card next week, so every cloud.
Aries
Tragedy is going to strike this month as you accidentally purchase a £20 bumper pack in Candy Crush. You’ll try to close one of the thousands of pop-up dialogue boxes that inhabit the game, but somehow end up selecting a £20 booster pack which entitles you to very little with regards to being able to play the game for longer than five goes at a time. Financially, this will cripple you as that money was needed for essentials such as rent and seasonal caffeinated beverages. You’ll try to contact the company but they won’t release your funds as their fine print says that all purchases are final. This will teach you a valuable lesson about looking after your health and will spur you on to lose some weight from your chubby little fingers, so every cloud.
Taurus
Incredible news! You’re going to find a stray kitten and it will scratch you to pieces. The cuts will get infected, prompting you to go to the chemist in search of some disinfectant cream. On the way, you’ll meet an old wizard in a very tall hat. He will grant you three wishes, all of which you will waste finding out the exact measurements of his hat, which is fair because it is admittedly the tallest hat that many of us will ever see in our lives. When you reach the chemist, you’ll tell the story of the wizard to the cashier, who will suggest that you seek urgent medical attention. Upon arriving at A&E, you will be put in intensive care, but you’ll get a week off work, so every cloud.
Gemini
A Fitbit malfunction is going to give you a misguided sense of self, causing you to believe that your resting heart rate is that of an athlete. Despite your life reflecting literally the exact opposite of an athlete, you’ll buy into the flawed information, bragging to anyone that will listen. It’s going to affect your relationships, causing those around you to lose patience and ultimately not want to be around you. You’ll end up alone, scrolling through Twitter when you see an article called ‘Fitbit Malfunctions – Here’s Everything You Need To Know’. The opening line will be “No, you don’t have the same resting heart rate as an athlete” and your whole world will crumble. You’ll lose everything, but at least your click will generate ad revenue for an online publisher, so every cloud.
Cancer
Your favourite band is going to announce a gig in your nearest city. Tickets will go on sale and you’ll get into work 15 minutes early to secure them. Success! You’ll manage to nab two tickets and contemplate which colour t-shirt you should buy at the merch stand on the night. Probably the navy, you’ve got too much black clothes anyway. Just four days after buying the tickets, the lead singer is going to rupture his vocal cords and be forced to cancel the tour. Devastation. You’re never going to see them again, they rarely tour. What a disaster. The next day, Ed Sheeran will announce a date in the same venue as a replacement gig. Nobody will buy tickets and he’ll have to cancel as well, so every cloud.
Leo
Christmas cheer is going to make its way into your life this month as you realise that there’s nothing legally stopping you from buying an advent calendar at any time and eating the entire thing in one sitting. That’s called freedom of expression, buddy and once you figure that out, that’s when the second half of your life can finally begin. The silly season isn’t technically beginning until next month, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the treats that come with it. You’re going to turn that summer bod into a winter warmer, with all the determination of a movie actor that’s been told to gain the maximum amount of weight possible at very short notice for an upcoming role. With increased demand on your vital organs, you’ll die before Christmas, so every cloud.
Virgo
Unlucky, champ. You’re going to turn into a horse next week. It’ll be unexplained and people will assume that you have simply disappeared into thin air, but no, you will be a horse that cannot talk. Logistically, there’s going to be a few lifestyle changes that you’ll need to get to grips with, such as shitting at will and having a giant penis, but that won’t take long. By the end of the month you’ll be munching on sugar cubes and unknowingly being included in a variety of alleged meat dishes. Life will be simpler, as you roam through fields eating grass and taking naps. People will excitedly remark “Look! A horse!” as they pass your field, then forget about you as quickly as they noticed your impressive mane. Still, you’ll have a giant penis, so every cloud.
Libra
An unfortunate game of ‘Would You Rather’ is going to come to life as you’re stuck with having croissants for arms. It will be comical at first, but roughly seven minutes into life with your new appendages, things will start to flake. Literally, as the croissant arms leave a trail of buttery flakey pastry behind wherever you go. Any carpeted venue will refuse you at the door. Dogs will chase after you and coeliacs will be afraid to shake your hand. Life will become an immense struggle as you try to adapt to having croissant arms. Then, you’ll stumble upon another game of ‘Would You Rather’ and opt to have large accumulations of precipitation droplets for arms instead of croissants, so every cloud.
Scorpio
A celebrity is going to retweet you this month! Unfortunately, it will be to put you on blast for sending a rude reply to one of their selfies, which admittedly should be on Instagram rather than Twitter, but their fans are still going to come after you. They’ll be vicious, tracking down your workplace and informing them of your online antics. You won’t lose your job, but management will start a longwinded process of slowly easing you out of the company, starting with an adjustment of your workload. Look, it’s not all bad news. You’re going to get a free sample of yoghurt in the supermarket and find a small piece of plastic in it. You’ll receive a hefty payout for your troubles, plus you get to finish the yoghurt sample, so every cloud.
Sagittarius
Congratulations, champ. You’re going to find the perfect pair of jeans this month. Your whole life you’ve yearned for a pair that feels comfortable, has the right amount of looseness on the leg and reaches all the way down to your shoes. It’s always been a struggle for you, often settling for a mediocre pair due to exhaustion with the demanding process that is shopping for jeans. But this month, count your lucky stars as you slip your pins into a pair of jeans that are so perfect, you’ll question whether they’ve revived Punk’d and made you their first victim. Buy two pairs, keep them in storage, buy five pairs. This is a once in a lifetime occurrence. Your dog will die this month. But they jeans, they’re even in the sale too, so every cloud.
Capricorn
Sorry to be the one to say this, but you’re going to die this month, die of embarrassment when you accidentally fart in the gym, that is. You’ll be on the treadmill, punching in a pretty decent time for a 5k run, when a fart is just going to slip out. Gravity is going to burst right through you as this little guy makes his way into the world. Gyms are usually quite noisy, but at the exact moment of your trump, the sound system will be in between songs and everyone, none of whom are wearing headphones, will be silently working through their routines. Everyone will turn and quickly ascertain that the culprit is you. A woman will cover her mouth in disgust, a man will vomit. You can never return to the gym again. But your time on that 5k was truly stunning, so every cloud.
