More like horrorscopes, am I right?
Simmer down, please. Cool the jets. One at a time. Thank you. Your October horoscope predictions await. There’s plenty to go around.
I’ll level with you. I’ve gotten in touch with the stars to determine your destiny.
As you can well believe, the following information is chillingly accurate and to be taken with the utmost sincerity.
Simply find your zodiac sign below and your fate shall be revealed.
Godspeed.
Aquarius
The stars are aligning in your favour this month, as it’s very likely that you’re going to find love. Even if you’re already in love, break it off now. There’s someone on the way into your life and they’re going to steal your heart like never before. This mysterious stranger will follow you on Instagram in the next week and like an old photograph, one where you’re looking a bit sad. They’ll comment “Cheer up lol x” and the rest will be history. A quick internet payment of £500 plus flights and accommodation expenses will see you united with your destiny. Do not ignore the signs, this is true love calling and you need to answer.
Pisces
Not a great month in store, but remember, your God of choice never gives you more than you can handle. After being sacked from your job for making lewd remarks about a colleague who didn’t overhear you (but someone snitched), you’ll feel lost and alone. At this point, you’ll watch Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp’s Adventure on VHS and find comfort in the rapport between Lady and Tramp despite what was sure to be a very troubling time in their household when Scamp went missing. With a renewed sense of ambition, you’ll apply for a new job and swiftly get rejected on the grounds of being wholly unqualified. You’ll run out of toilet paper towards the end of the month and your car will break down on the motorway. Sorry.
Aries
Call your parents right now and let them know that you are doing well, because you’re about to be. October 2018 is the month you finally get a shampoo that somehow manages to balance both shine and longevity between washes. Everyone’s going to ask if you’ve recently been to the hairdressers, refusing to believe that you can achieve that kind of salon finish at home. “Everything’s coming up Aries”, you’ll say as you bet your entire life savings on a horse with a funny name (its name is Inspector Horse, like Inspector Morse). You’ll lose every penny, but on the way out of the bookies, someone will say “Nice hair, did you get it done?” and you’ll give them a knowing look, then leave.
Taurus
That bag of green veg you bought is going to expire at the end of this week, so make sure to use it before it goes off. Health-wise, you’re going to encounter a few problems throughout October, but nothing too major. An unexpected bout of diarrhoea is going to hit midway through the month and despite ploughing yourself full of Imodium, nothing will hold back the river because it is one persistent little bugger of a turd supply. You’ll also receive a letter that’s meant for the neighbours. It’s not too important, so you can put off dropping it in for a day or two, just be sure not to forget altogether. Also, water your goddamn plants. They’re dying, mate.
Gemini
What’s that coming over the hill? It’s severe exhaustion. That’s right, you’re more tired than normal and it’s suspicious. You’ll go to the doctor who will inform you that you need to eat more fruit and vegetables. Ideally, they taste like literal garbage, so you’ll keep chipping away at your usual diet of coffee, cigarettes and biscuits. The tiredness won’t go away, so you’ll have to up your intake of caffeine. Doctors, what do they know anyway? Not to clickbait your health, but you’ll have to wait until next month to find out why you’re so tired. Keep an eye on the lottery this month, you might have some luck with the Euromillions. Also, avoid that new curry place around the corner, it’s a dive.
Cancer
Swings and roundabouts for you this month, as you’ll receive a parking ticket, but manage to weasel your way out of it by choosing to throw it into the bin and some moron down the office will believe that it was blown away by the wind. You’ll have the best nectarine of your life on the 25th of October, so that’s something to look forward to. Your ex is going to like a Facebook status you write, unfortunately it’s one about your misfortune so you’ll have a hard time working out whether the like was done out of solidarity or spite. A bird will shit on your jacket, but your mate will have a tissue handy so you can wipe it clean before you get to the pub. Also, your cousin’s goldfish is going to die. Condolences.
Leo
Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree, because it’s about to be felled to pave the way for a new supermarket. The city council are encouraging people to peacefully protest this addition by putting ribbons on the trees to show that they are beloved by all in the community. You’ll be tempted to skip the ceremony as you fancy having a supermarket so close by, in fairness, it’s a fifteen minute walk to the nearest one now. Honestly, save your efforts. That supermarket is coming whether the community likes it or not. You’re going to stub your toe on the 9th and have a really unsatisfactory meal at the new Italian restaurant in town. An old schoolfriend will add you on Facebook, but DO NOT accept. They just want you to sponsor them for a charity walk.
Virgo
Send the braggy tweet now because it’s finally happening, you’re going to get engaged! Somehow, someone is going to agree to marry you and it’s not going to be a prank. Call you mother, let her know she was wrong. Call your father, let him know that it was kind of him to support you all along despite fearing that you would end up sad and alone. Then call your idiot sister who’s always been an arsehole and let her know that someone, an actual human, wants to spend the rest of their life with you BY CHOICE. Regrettably, it’s not all good news. It will actually end up being a prank. Nobody wants to marry you. Also if you’re already married, you’re going to get divorced. Sorry. November looks good though! Well, better than October.
Libra
Quit your job immediately and tell your boss to get stuffed because opportunity is going to come knocking this month. You’ll be offered a paid gig as a roadie for Union J. Despite not applying for the job and the tour manager mysteriously getting your phone number, everything is going to fall into place. Your future awaits as a professional gig setup assistant for Sam, Jamie, Paul and the other guy as they travel the country with their dulcet tones. As if that wasn’t enough, you’re going to find a lump of plastic in a Gregg’s sausage roll and get a lifetime free pass for sausage rolls as compensation. You’re going to put on a lot of weight, but you’ll have an incredible time doing it. Congratulations! This is your time.
Scorpio
Set the house alarm because you’re about to get burgled. Doesn’t matter actually, they’re going to disable the alarm anyway so you can set it all you want. They’re coming for everything – cutlery, jewellery, your Coronation Street golden anniversary collection DVD boxset, everything. You can try to preempt the burglary now, but they’ll still find a way. You can’t monitor the house round-the-clock for an entire month, that’s insanity. Instead, embrace the experience. You’ll learn a valuable lesson about the irrelevance of material possessions and one of the burglars will end up being a friend of your cousin Keith’s. Nice guy actually, wife just had a baby, image of Jack Charlton from a certain angle.
Sagittarius
Invest heavily in pesticides this month because it’s about time you milked that cash cow for all it’s worth. You’re a savvy saver and budget well, but it’s time to take a risk. Simply forward your bank details including credit card and CVV number to my personal email address and I will set you up with a sweet investment service. I’ll be taking the entirety of your account as a pre-authorisation payment to make sure you’re serious about this caper, then I will also keep that money and invest it for you. You won’t hear anything back for 3-4 years, but that is simply because the stocks are falling into place. Expect a big payout in the near future. Congratulations, champ!
Capricorn
There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just blurt it out. You’re going to die. You’ve had a good run, now your time is sadly coming to a close. Legally, I cannot go into the specifics of your death as a Final Destination situation could arise, all I can say is that it will be both quick and relatively painless. If it’s any consolation, your funeral will be a wonderful celebration of life and love, as tens of people turn up to pay their respects. You will be remembered as you were: a gullible but charming idiot who sought great comfort in nonsensical online content. Actually, sorry, I read the stars incorrectly. You’re not going to die after all. Not in October anyway.
