The French are coming and they’re taking our passport production!
This is a bloody outrage. Britain is outsourcing its passport production to France. The French can’t do anything right, apart from baked goods, literally all food tbh, music, elections, movies and also their commitment to not leaving the EU.
The new post-Brexit passports are going to be blue, a colour that signifies depth and stability. You know, like how Britain is right now. Deep, strong and incredibly stable. Sorry, no, I’m thinking of a frozen pizza.
Now that the fate of British passports are in French hands, it’s likely that the design could change. But what will they replace the iconic lion and unicorn emblem with?
I’ve drafted some samples for your consideration.
Tom Daley
Tom Daley has achieved an awful lot for a man of just 23 years. He loves Britain and represents the country on a Daley basis. I’d like to see his mid-dive expression all over the front of British passports until the end of time. It’s fun, you can turn the passport upside down to make it look like he’s defying gravity.
A Pret
There’s a Pret on every corner in Britain, so why not have one in your pocket as well. Show your Pret Passport in any Pret to avail of a marginally discounted flat white coffee.
Dot Cotton
Britain, immortalise this iconic character by placing her on the cover of all passports from this year onwards. Her above expression is a perfect representation of Brexit. She’s visibly appalled, trying to mind her own business, but also curious to see how this shitshow pans out.
Take A Break!
Collect “My sexy TOYBOY was really my long-lost SON!” and other classic Take A Break magazine covers with this new limited edition British passport. Unfortunately, you’ll have to buy the actual magazine to find out how someone paid a stranger for triplets, as well as being in with a chance of winning over £23,000 in prizes. Terms and conditions apply. Always read the label. Mmm Danone.
A spotted Dick
No real logic here, just think it’d be funny to have the word ‘Dick’ on the front of all British passports and this was the least crass way that I could incorporate it.
Danny Dyer’s 9/11 Tweet
This iconic piece of literature has been deleted from Twitter, but that doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten about it. Danny Dyer’s finest statement to date is a cracker and would result in some exquisite conversations trying to head through security in the U.S. with this as your passport cover.
Pingu
Just a very cute and chill guy, looking dazzling on the cover of the British passport. Noot noot.
The Girl Who Punched Her Friend During An X Factor Audition
Extend their five minutes of fame into a lifetime of other countries making fun of Britain with this conversation starter passport.
A Roast Dinner
This stock image of a roast dinner has far too much gravy, but by God would it look good on the cover of all British passports. You could say things like “It’s roasting where we’re headed” at the airport, then flash your passport at security. Everyone would die laughing. It’s a very solid joke.
The Chase
The only decent thing to come out of Britain in the last ten years is The Chase. Everyone knows it and nobody disputes it. The only fitting tribute to modern day Britain is to put The Governess, The Sinnerman, The Dark Destroyer, The Beast and Bradley bloody Walsh on the cover of all British passports. Get it done, France. Merci.
