Technically it should be called Guess Whom
There comes a time in every young journalist’s life where they have to cut the bullshit and follow their heart. For some, it means investigating a seemingly unsolvable murder case at the sacrifice of their job security only to prevail against the odds and finally bring the perpetrator to long-overdue justice. For others, it’s ranking Guess Who characters from least to most horny in a bid to gain clarity on an important subject matter.
We’ll be focusing on the latter meaning of horny, which is ‘Feeling or arousing sexual excitement’. Were we to figure out the Guess Who character that most resembles a horn, it would be a very quick investigation, inevitably resulting in Tom earning the crown.
On the whole, the Guess Who characters are visibly quite a horny bunch.
But who is the most horny? Who is the least horny? Who’s harbouring a dark secret that could put the sanctity of this delightful game into jeopardy?
Let’s find out.
24. Anita
Anita is a child. She is not horny as she is roughly seven years old. I do not wish to explain this one any further. Please just keep scrolling.
23. Robert
Robert, although horny, is falling short among his fellow Guess Who contestants in the horn stakes. Evidently, Robert is a sad man. Although his hair remains fabulous during this turbulent time, his sexual excitement capabilities are at an all time low. His eyes have seen unspeakable things. At a guess, he’s recently walked in on his best friend of 30 years balls-deep in his wife, Annette. They were about to celebrate their 15th wedding anniversary. Robert was holding a balloon and a packet of Marigold gloves (inside joke). Now he listens to Robyn and cries during Grey’s Anatomy reruns. He may never experience the authentic sensation of horniness again.
22. George
It’s been 84 years since George last experienced a legitimate feeling of horn. He’s tried, Lord knows he’s tried, but it’s not as easy as simply trying. His head gets in the way, he overthinks everything. He spent 20 minutes picking out a hat for his Guess Who headshot. To this day, he still regrets not going for the bowler hat. George has come to terms with not being hugely horny. He’s at ease with it. “Being horny is a young man’s game anyway”, he says with dignity. There’s no shame in losing your horn, George. You’re still a good person.
21. Bernard
Bit of a curveball with Bernard. If you knew him personally, you’d know that Bernard is an incredibly horny man. Just non-stop arousal at all times, it’s actually quite impressive. But we must remain impartial here. Based on the Guess Who headshot alone, Bernard does not seem horny. In fact, he seems incredibly disappointed in us all. Not only has journalism hit an all time low, but people are actually engaging with such rock bottom content as this. Bernard just wants to read The Guardian and complain about taxes, not be subjected to a disturbing horny ranking system.
20. Herman
Deceptively, Herman looks quite horny but actually isn’t. He’s got the opposite problem to Bernard and it’s something they’ve come to bond over. Herman, as a person, simply isn’t very horny. He keeps his emotions and desires in check because he’s actually a very high profile businessman. Herm is used to keeping a cool head and credits much of his success to this placid temperament. When was the last time Herman felt horny? That’s an incredibly invasive question and one that Herman refuses to answer. Just kidding, it was seven weeks ago to the day while he was watching a teeth whitening segment on Loose Women.
19. Philip
Philip isn’t a particularly horny man, mostly because Philip is a virgin. He has never had sexual intercourse with himself or another person. During his formative years, Philip was a horny as any of us, but those urges have waned over the years. It’s not that he decidedly remained a virgin, it’s more that the opportunity never organically arose in his lifetime. He’s been in love, but has never experienced the physical aspect that comes with it. There’s a small amount of horn lurking in there somewhere, but it’s buried deep beneath his other interests, such as building miniature aeroplane models and being a flat earth truther.
18. David
Legally, David is not allowed to exude his horniness in his commercial work anymore. We’re limited in what we can say about the pending case at present, but objectively speaking, David has remained relatively unhorny in the above image. One might confuse him for a wholesome guy, one who brings a reusable shopping bag to the supermarket and gives loose change to homeless people. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I’ve said too much. David isn’t hugely horny in this particular situation. Thank you.
17. Claire
A woman of devout faith, Claire keeps her horn under wraps because that is how the Lord prefers it. Instead, she occupies her time with hobbies such as gardening, worshipping our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, baking to raise money for charity and listening to Eagles of Death Metal records in reverse to identify messages from the occult. She experiences horniness, but only when it is permitted for reproductive purposes. Claire would never leave a trace of her horniness in her appearance. She regrets using what she describes as a ‘hussy shade of red lipstick’ in the above image.
16. Richard
Man like Richard hasn’t got time for horn, not every day. He’s a busy guy, other things get in the way. Richard has recently gotten into running. He finds it gives him an attainable goal to achieve each time he sets out for a run. It’s not so much about losing weight as it is about feeling healthy. Richard’s never looked better, his mind feels good and his soul feels at peace. As all professional athletes know, there’s no place for horniness when you’re running. Perhaps Richard is subconsciously running away from the horn since his wife left him. Either way, his BMI has never been better.
15. Alfred
Alfred is currently suffering from a broken nose, so his levels of horniness are quite low at present. Usually, he’s horny beyond belief, but the pain medication is numbing most of Alfred’s feelings right now. He’s still got a cheeky eyebrow raise going on, which gives us a glimpse at Alfred’s hornier side from the days of yore. As soon as Alfred’s nose heals and he gets off the meds, you better believe he’ll be straight back to firing from all cylinders. He will regain his insatiable horniness. Mark my words.
14. Eric
Despite his incredibly horny appearance, Eric is actually not actually a hugely sexually charged person. The sailor hat is confusing, but you can see it in his eyes. Eric’s got other things to do, such as organising costume parties and successfully circumnavigating the world alone. Sure, he experiences the occasional horn, but not in an extreme way that would see him any closer to the top of this list. A smile as broad as Eric’s can only be thinking about one thing: Freddos returning to a reasonable price point of 10p.
13. Max
Max is so done with your shit, he can’t even, he just can’t. Max refuses to be involved in this vulgar ranking system, but unfortunately for him, there’s not a lot he can do about it since he is contractually obligated to be involved in the Guess Who franchise until such time as he is released from his duties, or dies of natural causes. It’s the moustache that exudes Max’s horn. He grew that sucker for intimate tickling and will oblige anyone that asks nicely. Short tempered man, but a sufficiently horny Guess Who character.
12. Joe
What ya thinkin bout, Joe? Naughty things? Those aren’t even prescription glasses. Joe’s been using them to lure ladies after he read a GQ article about how women are statistically more attracted to men that wear glasses. He bought a pair of aviator sunglasses and simply punched out the lenses. Joe is frequently horny, so wants his appearance to demonstrate that, as well as increasing his chances of success. His crooked little mouth spills the naughtiest of words in the bedroom, you can just sense it.
11. Frans
Hang on a second, is…. is that just Joe without his glasses and bleached hair? Has Guess Who been deceiving us the whole time? No. We must park this conspiracy for now. There are bigger areas of concern at present. How horny is Frans? Well, he is a ginger Dutchman with a crooked little mouth and an arresting chin. So yeah, relatively horny to be honest. He’s game, he’ll do whatever with whoever, Frans just has one rule. When he is in the throes of passion, he must be referred to as ‘Sir Plumpybuttocks’ at all times.
10. Charles
Look at Charles. Really look at him and assess his vibe. He is surely the horniest Guess Who character? Wrong. Charles wants you to think that, but in reality, he’s struggled to feel continuously sexually aroused ever since 9/11. It truly was the day the world changed. We all felt a little less safe as the bubbles we were all existing in thoroughly popped. Charles still gets his jollies, but things are different now. He’s all too aware of the fragility of human life and man’s determination to cause destruction. He’s horny, but not as much as he used to be.
9. Anne
In a game that requires immense concentration and elimination, one woman’s strength and determination is sure to rise above them all. Anne is confidently horny. She might not be the horniest Guess Who participant, but she’s not far off. Anne never wanted to be the horniest person on the board, she merely wanted to be noticed and respected for her arousability. If she’s in the right situation and frame of mind, Anne could be the horniest woman in the world. Her superpower is that she knows how to control it when the situation dictates composure.
8. Peter
Peter, the filthy devil, he couldn’t even focus on the camera as his headshot was being taken. So consumed with sexual desires, his body is present but his mind is miles away. Peter is thinking about an adult movie that he watched two nights ago. It was staggeringly well produced, with a flawless plot and an impeccable cast. He’s hard as a rock thinking about how the builder dropped every one of his duties to help that lady with her faulty shower curtain. Peter can only dream of such a circumstance arising in his mundane life. He is a deeply, deeply horny man.
7. Sam
Only a man that looks exactly like a hard boiled egg could be so fittingly horny during a game of Guess Who. The flicking of the tiles, the suspense, the players’ scrutiny of each face, it takes very little to get our Sammy boy going. His glasses are eternally steamed up as his horniness invokes heavy breathing interspersed with frustrated sighs. Sam is ready to get frisky at a moment’s notice. He won’t even remove his glasses, but he’ll polish his head and that’s about all we can expect from the guy at this point.
6. Tom
Tom, you absolute scoundrel. You’ve just missed out on a spot in the top five, but this is still an honourable finish. You’ve got quite an acquired sexual taste, haven’t you? It’s not for everyone, but it’s most certainly for you. Tom is a Brony. He gets off on watching My Little Pony. It all started on a long haul flight to Kuala Lumpur. Tom travels a lot and had seen pretty much all the movies on offer, so he turned to the children’s section. After a quick dalliance with Paw Patrol, Tom found love with My Little Pony. His MLP necklace keeps him sufficiently horned up at all times.
5. Maria
She got her hair blowdried specially for the occasion and that was for one reason only – to hammer home the fact that she is the 5th horniest Guess Who character. Maria expresses her personality and sexuality through her style. The dangling pearl earrings represent her adaptability towards trying new things, her tilted beret shows that she’s open to being left of centre from time to time, while her pout proves that Maria has carried out sexual acts with a variety of fresh water fish. She’s rarely not horny. Maria craves it. She exudes it. Maria is horniness personified.
4. Paul
Paul serves as valid proof that you should never judge a book by its cover. Sure, he might seem old, but Paul’s soul is as young as a teenager’s. Don’t let the glasses fool you, Paul isn’t a snobby Tory. He’s actually been reading some erotic fiction novels, as he does every day. He also listens to the audiobook versions when his eyes get tired. Paul’s ears are massive, so you know he’s going to hear every filthy word that comes out of your mouth in his company. Paul has been consistently horny since 1942. Respect your elders and bow down to his commitment to the horn.
3. Alex
Look closely at Alex’s facial hair. The moustache, the eyebrows, they’re spaced out weirdly, almost as if they’re trying to tell us something. Well, if you were to rearrange these features, you’d find that they spell out the word ‘Sex’. It’s a sick prank Alex has been playing on people ever since he gained the ability to grow facial hair during his twenties. He douses himself in Sex Panther every morning, exclusively wears snakeskin clothes and speaks in a lispy whisper at precisely 3 decibels. Alex is so horny, he causes water to evaporate into steam if he gets too close to it.
2. Susan
How does she get so much volume into her hair? That’s a secret Susan will never divulge, mostly because she is simply too horny to find the time. Officially Guess Who’s horniest woman, Susan is used to hearing remarks about her sexual appetite. She’s in her 60s and still boning away like the best of us. Susan has been happily married for 35 years and still has the sexual energy of a randy teenager. She and her husband Paul have recently started practicing Kama Sutra, which she describes as “a sexual epiphany”. Congratulations on the well-earned title of Guess Who’s Horniest Woman. Get it, girl.
1. Bill
BILL! BILLY! WILLIAM! There is one Guess Who character that is the horniest in town. He stands out from the crowd thanks to the sheer sexual lust he exudes in this headshot. That man is Bill. Look at his rosy cheeks, the demonic look in his eyes. Bill is horny. This wasn’t even a fair contest. Bill was always going to come in first place, both literally and metaphorically. He’s untouchable. Bill was getting his jollies as the photograph was being taken. The photographer was Annie Leibovitz and she is widely hailed as the bravest artist of our generation for doing so. Congratulations to Bill and his family. This is an honour that should be shared equally among them. Bill, you are the horniest Guess Who character. Go forth and flaunt that insatiable horn.
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