There are no winners here today, except the meme makers
It is with a heavy heart we must announce that the WAGs are at it again. Coleen Rooney has accused Rebekah Vardy of giving stories to The Sun based on information taken from Coleen’s personal Instagram account.
This has been a burden in my life for a few years now and finally I have got to the bottom of it…… pic.twitter.com/0YqJAoXuK1
— Coleen Rooney (@ColeenRoo) October 9, 2019
In a frankly very delicious turn of events, Rebekah has responded to Coleen’s claims.
https://twitter.com/RebekahVardy/status/1181871914081509376
Working out who is lying here is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter. What we need to appreciate is the level of conviction both parties have exhibited in their statements. The world of English literature will never be the same after today. Things are different now. Clearer.
With that, we must rank the best lines from each statement.
11. “To try and prove this, I came up with an idea” – Coleen Rooney
This is an unsettlingly gentle statement and at the same time, a beautiful little teaser. Just four paragraphs into Coleen’s letter, she’s teeing things up like a pro. The word “try” is modest. She already knows how things have played out. It adds a sense of uncertainty to proceedings. As a reader, you’re wondering if her trial has paid off. Already, the intrigue is established.
“I came up with an idea” is the point where all modesty is dropped. It’s a flex. You can imagine Coleen stewing over her predicament for however long it’s been going on. Perhaps she Googled a few things like “How to catch a rat except the rat is a human and also a friend?” or “Are private investigators expensive never mind I am rich lol”. However she arrived at the final idea, it’s a bold claim for Coleen to suggest that it was entirely her own. The whole concept screams of a frantic midnight WhatsApp group discussion.
10. “If you thought this was happening you could have told me” – Rebekah Vardy
With this heartfelt point, Rebekah seems genuinely shocked that her friend would conduct such a thorough investigation behind her back. “Perhaps I could’ve helped”, Rebekah is suggesting, like a cop who is disrupting investigations from the inside by tampering with evidence and feeding sensitive information to outsiders.
What she’s doing here is the equivalent of coming into the kitchen to help with the washing up after it’s very clearly already been done. “Aw sorry, I would’ve done that”, exclaims Rebekah Tardy, with a brazen lack of conviction.
9. “And you know what, they did!” – Coleen Rooney
This is a pat on the back moment for Coleen. She knew all along that her plan was going to work because it was genius to begin with. So evident is the self-congratulatory high that Coleen was experiencing as she wrote that point, you can easily forgive her breaking of a very important rule with English grammar – beginning a sentence with ‘and’. “You know what, we’ll let her have this one. She’s been through enough”, the exam invigilators would indulge, if this was an A Level English paper.
8. “(Those on my private account must have been wondering why I haven’t had stories on there for a while)” – Coleen Rooney
Traces of narcissism are peering through here with the perfect example of a humble brag. Putting the statement in brackets makes you read it almost in a whisper, like Coleen is confiding in us all. She’s fallen victim to the ‘I’m taking a break from social media for a while’ stage that we all go through at some point in our lives. Nobody ever notices that you’re gone, not until you return with ‘Right I’m back now’ a day later, or in Coleen’s case, a salacious viral statement that has led to some of the greatest memes produced during this fiscal quarter.
With this throwaway comment, it makes us all want to be involved, wondering what Coleen’s private account must be like. Does she do vlogs? Post lip sync videos in the car? Is it just a bunch of secret recipes and family photographs? Doesn’t matter. How privileged her inner circle must feel to get to witness the real Coleen (at her discretion). Well, all except one.
7. “I never speak to anyone about you” – Rebekah Vardy
Apply aloe vera to the affected area immediately because that is a burn. In attempting to vindicate herself, Rebekah cannot resist the urge to get a quick little dig in. Coleen, my friend, you are very low on my conversation topic list. So low, you have simply never come up. “Coleen Who-ney?”, I remark when people mention your name. You are not on my radar, babe.
6. “Now I know for certain which account / individual it’s come from” – Coleen Rooney
Again, Coleen continues to breadcrumb us. Bit by bit, she’s forming a puzzle with receipt upon receipt of airtight evidence. Until this moment, everything was still up in the air. We didn’t know if Coleen would tie this whole thing together. So far, she’s brought us the issue, the solution, the follow-through and now we’re waiting for a resolution that might not even come.
This is the “any last words?” moment in a movie right before the terrifying mobster shoots someone he’s waited a long time to catch. Right as the guy is about to say something profound, he’s denied the opportunity by a premature bullet to the head.
5. “I’m not being funny but I don’t need the money” – Rebekah Vardy
Such a paradox of words in these uncertain times. You are being funny, Rebekah. This is arguably the funniest line of the whole exchange. This is comedy in its purest form. In the same way that people say “No offence but…” and then proceed to cause offence, nobody in the history of the world has ever started a sentence with “Not being funny but…” and then failed to garner even a light snigger from those within earshot. Own the joke, Rebekah. Things were too tense up until this point. Let the humour out. Indulge yourself. Be free.
4. “I have saved and screenshotted all the original stories which clearly show just one person has viewed them” – Coleen Rooney
COLEEN JESUS CHRIST PLEASE JUST PUT US OUT OF OUR MISERY. The buildup is world class here. Either Coleen has had some assistance from M. Night Shyamalan or her ability to tell a story is something that the Nobel Prize for literature distributors truly need to look into acknowledging in a formal way. This woman is more powerful than any of us ever could’ve imagined.
What we’re being told here is that Coleen has collated the data and nobody can dispute what is about to said. It’s the “I know you are, but what am I?” defence and it’s something that always holds up in court. You can express no retort to that statement because you have been owned. This is the point where you need to step back from the platform and stay behind the yellow line because the fact train is pulling into the station and it’s three minutes ahead of schedule.
3. “I liked you a lot Coleen & I’m so upset that you have chosen to do this, especially when I’m heavily pregnant” – Rebekah Vardy
There’s a huge amount to unpack here, as Rebekah is getting extreme value for money by slipping two punches into the one manoeuvre. First, using “liked” in the past tense, suggesting that Rebekah no longer feels this way towards Coleen Rooney. Perhaps she is pulling a Simon Cowell in an X Factor audition where he says “I didn’t like it…” {long pause} “…I loved it!”. Except that Rebekah’s pause isn’t pregnant – she is!
Having never personally been pregnant, I can’t imagine how it feels. But I can suspect that the temptation to throw “especially when I’m heavily pregnant” into any argument is overwhelming at all times. Rebekah has finessed the statement using all the tools that were available to her at that exact moment in time. Were it me, I would’ve had to say “especially when I’m coming out the other side of a very bad head cold”, which admittedly doesn’t pack quite as much of a punch.
2. “As I have just said to you on the phone” – Rebekah Vardy
That’s a nod to us, that one. Rebekah is looking straight into the camera and breaking the fourth wall to acknowledge our existence. She didn’t want to have to do this publicly, but now she’s been forced to play the game. It’s the equivalent of saying “As per my last email”, where someone has ignored an important question that you need answered before you can hightail it out of work and get home to spend the night catching up on celebrity beefs (beeves?).
Rebekah is trying to get two points across here. Firstly, us drama-craving members of the general public actually don’t know the full story because a phone call has just taken place and we will sadly never know what was said. Secondly, Coleen is being reminded that they just got off the phone and now Rebekah has had to explain herself a second time so that everyone can hear her side of things. Essentially, she is double jobbing, but credit where it’s due, this statement is a whirlwind from the outset.
1. “It’s ……….Rebekah Vardy’s account” – Coleen Rooney
Four words that will forever be ingrained into the British psyche. Ten ellipses points, each one more powerful than the last. We can tolerate the suspense no more, Coleen. Put us out of our misery, tell us your findings.
The addition of the word “account” feels like a smidge of legal advice was required here. Coleen doesn’t want to outright say that it was Rebekah herself in case it turns out that she was genuinely hacked, so she plays it safe. Rebekah’s account is the indisputable fact here, but the operator of said account could potentially be anyone.
Does that matter to the rest of us? Did we even see the word “account” upon first reading the statement? Absolutely not. We scanned that document, got the gist of what was going on and then let our hearts beat in perfect tandem with the ellipses points before the big reveal.
Coleen Rooney and Rebekah Vardy, whatever the truth, thank you for this bountiful gift of endless content.
