“I’m going to get in lots of trouble for that”
It’s a special experience when you get to follow your Mum around the supermarket as she greets everyone and exchanges pleasantries like some kind of local celebrity. It’s her safe space, filled with joy and vaguely familiar faces. That’s how it feels to watch Kay Burley on Royal Baby day 2018, except Mum is drunk with excitement and vying for a BAFTA.
Kay squawks at members of the public that senselessly obstruct the Sky News camera, as she does her best to kill time with interviewees until any further information about the baby is revealed. Her microphone levels are all over the place, such is the unpredictability of an excitable woman’s pitch. Kay chats with onlookers, but she’s not listening, she’s eyeing up the next victim. Someone in a Union Jack suit brushes past her and she whimpers with joy.
“8lbs 7oz, 11:01am” Kay announces at random intervals, as if it bears any influence on the rest of the baby’s life. That’s all we know for now. A baby boy. “Hefty”, one woman describes him as. Kay doesn’t care, she’s out for blood.
“I’m going with Arthur Philip Charles”, she tells us, as Ladbrokes offer odds of 250/1 for such an outrageous name suggestion. This isn’t Kay Burley’s first rodeo. She’s spent the past three years carrying out irrelevant duties in anticipation for this moment. This isn’t THE Royal Baby, this isn’t OUR Royal Baby, this is Kay Burley’s Royal Baby and we’re all just spectators.
We’re reminded several times that Kay is outside “a working hospital”, as she pushes her way into the path of those trying to enter and exit the building, camera in tow. Never before has live television felt so thrilling as seeing a 57-year-old woman scramble her way between Royal fanatics to source the wackiest person for air. Perhaps he/she may be a little closer to home than initially thought.
Some Australians tell Kay that they’ve camped outside the hospital for fifteen days waiting for this moment. “What is it that you want to see, what’s so important?”, she asks. “THE BABY, KAY”, every citizen in the country with a valid TV licence screams. The mind begins to wander, questioning how long Kay Burley could possibly fill in between breaking news announcements. Probably decades.
It’s pandemonium. Utter chaos as Kay tries to present, interview, direct and produce the entire thing. “I’m not supposed to do this”, says Kay, as she holds up her phone to the camera. She’s got an email with an image of a Navy ship that has spelled out ‘BOY’ on the deck and is manually zooming in for all to see. “I’m going to get in lots of trouble for that”, but she won’t.
“How hard is it to get them with their eyes open?”, Kay frantically asks a photographer who’s waiting for the Royals to leave the hospital. She’s lost it. Such a nonsense question wouldn’t make it past Kay’s decision-making process on a regular day, but today is special.
Kay chats to the town crier and he informs us that he’s been glued to Sky News since his train journey earlier this morning. Kay quips that he hadn’t been paid to say that, then asks him to potentially break protocol by announcing the birth of the Royal Baby once again, this time placed directly in front of the Sky News camera.
As it becomes apparent that no further details will emerge for quite some time, the main source of speculation among Kay and her subjects turns to what name will be bestowed upon the Royal Baby, but based on the flawless efforts delivered today, there’s one very clear name wading its way to the forefront.
“Hear ye, hear ye. His Majesty the Duke and Her Majesty the Duchess of Cambridge are delighted to announce the arrival of baby Kay Burley of Cambridge. 8lbs 7oz with a relentless thirst for breaking news, particularly surrounding the Royals”.
Images via Sky News
