The lottery, am I right?
Rats are everywhere. They’re in our houses, invading public spaces, even occupying our government at this very moment.
Some of the biggest rats known to man come in the form of secret lottery winners. How dare they, these newfound millionaires, choose to withhold that information from us, the greedy onlookers who will undoubtedly try to tap that well until it’s damn near dry.
Statistically, chances are that at least one of us will find ourselves in a position where we suspect and ultimately confront a coworker about whether or not they have recently come into a rather large sum of money. Perhaps they are concealing this life-changing matter from us, or maybe they’re just good at handling their finances.
Either way, the signs will be there, all you have to do is notice them.
They will arrive to work in an Uber
Your colleague will saunter into work without a sweat patch nor scent of secondhand vape coming off themselves. He/she will be on time and visibly hydrated after tasting the sweet nectar of some free Uber water. The driver will have remained silent throughout the journey, at the passenger’s request. Brazenly, the Uber will drop them right outside the office for all to see.
They will not be wearing a jacket nor carrying a bag
Rather than bringing some snacks to get through the day, a KeepCup and most importantly a jacket, this secretive colleague will arrive with their hands swinging. He/she has no fear of the rain now that dry cleaning and expensive haircuts have become a reality. As we all know, rich people are rain resistant. If he/she needs a mid-morning snack, they will simply purchase one from the overpriced vending machine downstairs. Coffee will be hand-delivered from the nearby café, along with a flavour shot that costs 50p extra.
Their computer will not suffer any network connectivity problems
You know who’s never had a day of internet outage in his life? Bill Gates, because he’s rich. Computers operate better for rich people. They scan their affluent retinas and decide not to act the maggot because there’s nothing on this earth more unforgivable than wasting a rich person’s time. Rich people deserve high speed internet so that they can buy more stuff with great ease. Your internet will shit itself several times throughout the day, but your secret millionaire colleague’s mysteriously will not.
They will make numerous secret phone calls throughout the day
You’ll catch him/her in the stairway and outside talking very quietly on their phone quite a lot. This isn’t the usual heated argument over hushed tones they have with a loved one, heavens no. They’re speaking with the bank manager, trying to transfer funds so that they can purchase an unnamed frog-shaped chocolate bar. He/she will also call relevant family members, past lovers and recent employers throughout the day, exercising inventive ways to tell them all to go fuck themselves, respectively.
For lunch, they will go to M&S and stray from the meal deal offer
Only a millionaire can afford to consume goods from the golden teat of affluent nutrition – Marks & Spencer, and only a secret multimillionare can afford to consume goods that aren’t even part of the meal deal in M&S. Your colleague will brazenly stroll back into the office having taken another Uber to the shop which is a three minute walk away, accompanied by an intern carrying a plastic bag containing a sandwich, drink and crisps that were blatantly not included in the meal deal. He/she will tip the intern £5 for their service, then eat the lavish meal in front of your very eyes.
They will listen to Spotify Premium using AirPods
As they eat, he/she will be listening to ad-free high quality music with their AirPods which have full battery. Rich people never run out of battery because they are always in locations that have chargers, that is a rule. Think about it, have you ever seen a posh person lowering themselves to use a power bank? Perish the thought.
They will smoke non-rollie cigarettes and also vape intermittently throughout the day
Even though every cigarette brings you closer to death, your colleague is now in a position where they can probably pay money to somehow live longer than most, so good riddance to general good health and wellbeing practices. He/she will take up smoking and vaping simply because they can. They’ll take unpaid breaks in work because money is no object anymore, puffing 20 cigarettes a day and texting the entire time despite the hefty data charges.
Their productivity will plummet
When you’re a millionaire, it’s understandably hard to find the motivation to make money for someone else. Your coworker is going to show a steady decline in interest at work, often being caught looking out the window fantasising about which location they’re going to bring their yacht to this weekend, and which famous person they’ll use money to befriend. You’ll have to take up the slack for no extra pay and not even so much as a coffee from your colleague.
They won’t notice that their wages haven’t been paid on time
Midday on payday will come and go without even so much as a gentle sigh from your coworker. They won’t check their online banking or discuss with fellow colleagues about whether they’ve been paid yet. It’s almost as if he/she doesn’t need money, that the satisfaction of a job well done is remuneration enough for them. When you ask “Have you been paid yet?”, they’ll respond with something like “Oh yeah, that’s today isn’t it? I’ll just check” and it won’t be a very clever bit of impromptu satire. That will be the sincere reaction.
A hitman will pay an unexpected visit to the office
As you chow down on your afternoon snack that consists of a handful of out of date almonds, you’ll notice your colleague looking quite flustered in reception. A large man in an expensive suit will be pushing him/her around a bit, getting increasingly angry. An attempt will be made on your coworker’s life as it transpires that he/she did not pay for a recent parking ticket, something they should easily be able to afford now. Also they’ve been money laundering but that’s none of your business.
Your colleague will eventually quit, but not before telling everyone to fuck themselves
After enough time has contractually passed, they will spend their final day sitting down with each and every colleague, yourself included, explaining specifically why you all need to fuck yourselves. It will be hard to take, but ultimately your final dealings with him/her. Once that has been done, you’ll be free to watch their life unfold from the comfort of Instagram stories, muttering to yourself “It’s actually too much money, I wouldn’t like the hassle”, justifying why you’re quite happy that you’ll never win the lottery. Stay woke.
