Have you ever wondered how good your name is?
Of course you haven’t, but based on nothing other than the way it sounds, we’ve dissected a bunch of English men’s names and put them in an arbitrary ranking. Why? Because anything is possible on the internet.
We had to make some parameters for this ranking, otherwise we’d have thousands of names to make broad and largely inaccurate assumptions about, so we’re only looking at what we’re terming Standard English Bloke names.
If you’re a Cecil, a Humphrey or a Cuthbert, then we’re afraid this is not the list you’re looking for. If you’re a Dave, a Gary or a Phil, then you’re right at home. So, let’s find out how much you have to thank/blame your parents for.
26. John
Photo: Julian Mason
Johns are ten a penny. Every action hero is a John. Every taxi driver is a John. Every other bloke you meet is a John. It’s hard to drum up any enthusiasm for a name that pretty much a quarter of the population can claim as their own. It’s a sturdy forename, but there’s no magic in John. It’s the missionary position of names.
25. Jack
Photo: vagueonthehow
Jack is really just John coated in a thin veneer of cool. Jack is John wearing skinny jeans. Jack is John ordering a flat white instead of a black coffee. Jack is John listening to Stormzy and talking about how ‘it’s about time grime got the recognition it deserves’. You’re not fooling anyone, Jack.
24. Adrian
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There’s something about the name Adrian that is inherently villainous. Has a good person ever been called Adrian? That’s not to say there aren’t good Adrians in the world right now – no one is born bad, not even an Adrian. It takes time for the evil of Adrian to settle in and take root in the mind of the afflicted. You think you love Adrian now, but just wait until he gets his hands on a nuclear weapon.
23. Clive
Photo: Mario Antonio Pena Zapatería
Clive is a name that thinks its too good for itself. It’s a name that’s trying to reach beyond its grasp and coming up with nothing. It’s a name that’s standing with its legs astride the track, trying to be in both sides of town at the same time, but ultimately ending up occupying no man’s land. It’s also too close to clove, which gives it a bit of a garlicy aftertaste.
22. Dan
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Dan barely even qualifies as a name; it’s over so quickly it may as well not actually exist. As for the man behind the name, who can say? Dan gives nothing away. “Who’s Dan?”, people ask. Literally anyone. Point to any man in any room and he’s probably a Dan, but why would you care? The only thing the name Dan is good for is, as Alan Partridge demonstrated, shouting over and over.
21. Les
Photo: Ben Salter
Les has a slippery quality to it; a greasiness; a degree of mistrust. Les is a good laugh and knows a lot about dog breeds, but you don’t want him to represent you in court or have access to your financial records.
Les has a leather motorcycle jacket and yet he has no motorcycle. Les is good at poker, a bit too good at poker. The thing about Les is you want him on your side, because even the slipperiest of fish can still be supper, but just mind out for his little teeth.
20. Gary
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Gary is your embarrassing uncle’s name. Uncle Gary. Everyone hopes that Uncle Gary won’t be coming to the next family function, but Uncle Gary is, in his own mind, the life of the party. Gary loves putting his arse in a bit of pudding, because “it’s funny”.
To a man named Gary, it’s funny to put his arse in a pudding. But Gary is a master of seduction; he seduces you into thinking that it’s funny to put his arse in a pudding. Look at you, you’re laughing at a man with his arse in a pudding. And that man’s name is Gary.
19. Nigel
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Nigel has an unfortunate nasal whine about it. Niiiiiigel. Nigel forgot to buy milk again. Niiiiiigel. Nigel never takes the bins out. Niiiiiigel. Nigel sounds like an electric drill that needs recharging. Niiiiiigel. Nigel doesn’t like lager because it’s too fizzy. Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiigel.
18. Bill
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Why would a man go by Bill if he was born a William? We’re all short on time but is Bill any shorter than Will? What’s Bill trying to hide behind that B, and why is he so keen to outrun the W that was his birthright? Bill has secrets. Bill knows something we don’t. A man of the people? Don’t believe a word of it. Bill is up to something.
17. Des
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There’s not much to say about Des. He was born, he lived, and he died. And that was the story of Des.
16. Brian
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Brian is the archetypical ‘comedy’ name. It’s meant to convey a sense of mediocrity, the kind boring Middle England life that a man called Brian would be expected to lead.
When Monty Python were writing Life of Brian, they needed a name that was the complete antithesis of the glory of Christ – Brian was a natural fit. But Brian is a bit tired now, a little bit ’80s, so what do you have when everyone is bored of a boring name? Not a whole lot.
15. Dave
Photo: Dave Benson Phillips
Dave is your best mate’s name. In fact, Dave is everyone’s best mate. If you don’t have a best mate called Dave, then you probably don’t have any friends at all. 80% of all best men at weddings are called Dave, that’s a 100% true fact. Go to any wedding and there’s an 80% chance the best man is called Dave.
That’s because Dave is a reliable name. Daves don’t forget the rings, but they bring a spare set of rings just in case the original set spontaneously melt.
14. Fred
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Good old Fred. Fred is a name you pass in the street and say good morning to, because you genuinely hope Fred has a good morning: “Morning Fred, how’re you today?” “Oh, mustn’t grumble, mustn’t grumble.” A Fred never grumbles, because Fred knows that life is good, even if his band is called Limp Bizkit.
13. Tom
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For such an unremarkable name, Tom has a lot of scope for greatness. It’s so plain and unpretentious, which frees it from any expectation. A boy named Monty is always destined to drink port and work in some kind of art dealership, but Tom can do anything he wants.
A Tom can work with his hands, he can solve complex problems, he can fight, he can make peace, he can ask the big questions and get some answers. There’s nothing a Tom can’t do.
12. Frank
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Frank is the guy you want around when your head is in a mess. When nothing makes sense, when the world is slowly turning upside down, Frank is the man who sets it straight.
He knows the right thing to say to put you on the right track, because a Frank is wiser than his years. Never too busy for a chat, never too big to listen to the little things, Frank simply understands. He also wears a flat cap, because as a Frank, it is his right to do so.
11. Eric
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Eric is a ridiculous name, and that’s why it’s great. Who was the first person to look at their precious newborn son and say, “I dub this beautiful baby boy… Eric”?
The Erics who have made something of themselves (Morecambe, Clapton, Cantona) have over-exceeded their expectations, because they didn’t know how hard they’d have to struggle against the ludicrousness of being called Eric. They knew they had a challenging life ahead, so they threw themselves at it with full force and landed among the greats. Eric is not a disadvantage, it’s a challenge that promises great rewards. Even if you’re lumped with a double-whammy like Eric Pickles.
10. Kevin
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Once in a while you’ll meet a man, a man so with it, so on point, so ethereally cool that you struggle to believe he’s real. His talents are numerous and masterful; his demeanour is so relaxed it’s practically horizontal; he has really cool hair. He comes and he goes, blowing through town like the wind, and you’ll ask, “Who was that man?” And the answer will return: “That was Kevin.” Kevin? Really?
The thing is, Kevin doesn’t sound like a cool name, which is what makes it a cool name. It’s like wearing clothes from the 80s or eating chips out of miniature buckets: basically, Kevin is the hipster of names. Like all hipsters, he’s cool now, but where will he be next year? Maybe next year Les will be the new Kevin.
9. Bob
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See: Blackadder.
8. Greg
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Greg. What a joker, what a joker is Greg. The comic potential of Greg is limitless. Greg. Greg! It’s a funny name, and that seeps into the man himself. It’s such a satisfyingly complete word, with a G to begin and a G to end. It’s like a mini rollercoaster of laughs: up, down and around – Greg!
7. Darren
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Darren is misunderstood. Darren isn’t the layabout you think he is. Darren actually isn’t missing three of his teeth. Darren didn’t just drop out of school with a C in Maths and a black eye. While you’ve been busy judging Darren, Darren has been quietly beavering away, making a solid life for himself. Darren will lend you a tenner if you need one. Darren knows a guy who knows a guy who can fix your boiler for cheap. Darren is, in a word, sound.
6. Phil
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Phil is a dark horse. He’s like Clark Kent: on the surface, he’s just an average guy with a smart but functional pair of glasses who does his job well, holds the door open for people and in no way reminds anyone of the most famous superhero on Earth. But underneath, he’s Superman. His quiet strength, limitless determination and fucking laser eyes, all hidden behind that unassuming monosyllabic moniker: Phil.
5. Bert
Photo: Disney
Bert is a jolly funster of a name. It’s big and round and inviting; whenever a Bert is around, you feel right at home. Bert always has a cup of tea and a variety pack of biscuits ready, and he’s saved your favourite just for you, because a Bert takes care of Bert’s own. Bert is also the most fun name to shout: “BEEEEEEERT. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT.”
4. Ray
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Ray has the dual allure of being both cool and down-to-earth. Ray Charles: cool. Ray Winstone: down-to-earth. Both men owe a considerable part of their success to their forename, and they’d be the first to admit it, because every Ray knows that they were born with a gift. Rays are destined for success, even glory.
3. Steve
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When you hear the name Steve, you’re immediately bathed in the glowing sense that everything’s going to be alright. “Hi, my name’s Steve,” they say. “Thank goodness you’re here, Steve,” you reply. “I was about to drink all this bleach and jump in front of a car, but now you’re here, life doesn’t seem so hideously bleak.” That’s the power of Steve.
2. Geoff
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Geoff is a name you can trust. If a Geoff is coming round to install your new shower, you’re going to get the best damn shower you’ve ever heard. Perfect pressure, just the right temperature and not a leaky pipe in sight. Britain was built on the backs of Geoffs, at least the sturdy bits were. Bridges and tunnels, that was a whole load of Geoffs. The Westminster parliamentary system, that was probably a Gideon.
1. Alan
Photo: BBC
It had to be Alan. It couldn’t be anyone else. Rickman. Shearer. Partridge. Some of our greatest men have been Alans. Every Alan you’ve ever met has been an exemplary figure of a man, a really top-drawer bloke.
There’s something in the name Alan that breeds excellence. The playful, inquisitive ‘Al’ compliments the decisive, uncompromising ‘an’; the two halves of a man who is both a thinker and a doer.
Fertile people of the world, we implore you: go forth and spring more Alans from your loins, as many as your loins can muster. If we’re to have any hope of dragging this hellhole of a world back into prosperity, it will be by the might of Alan’s arm that we drag it.
