If there’s one thing British people are good at, it’s sitting down.
Team GB winning all the “sitting down” medals has become a “thing” now – no one can competitively sit on their ass quite like us Brits – we’re fucking world beaters at not standing up.
So why then, are so many of us still not enjoying one of life’s smallest, simplest pleasures? Why don’t we treat ourselves to more sit-down wees?
Having dicks and all, we are of course blessed with the fact that we’re able to piss easily while standing up – and we’re never more grateful for that than when we’re out and about, bursting, and with nothing more than a dimly-lit alleyway in sight.
But when there’s a perfectly comfortable toilet around (especially within the comfort of your own home), what’s the need to stand? Exactly, there is none. Standing up to piss is bollocks, and now I’m going to prove why.
Firstly, of the three main positions a human can be in at any one moment, standing it the worst one. It goes lying down > sitting > standing up. Sadly, peeing while lying down doesn’t really work unless you want to get it all over yourself, or are trying to do that “pissing with an erection” thing that is definitely much more of a meme than an actual useful suggestion. This leaves sitting as the best option.
Secondly, when you piss standing up, you’re immediately putting the toilet seat at risk. Yes, as fully-grown adults we all know we should be able to aim with sufficient ability that we don’t pepper the toilet with our spray, but that doesn’t mean we manage it every single time. If you’re sat down, you know that pee is going straight into the bowl – nothing to worry about.
Thirdly, it’s the only way to piss when you’re hungover as fuck. You know it.
And finally, and most importantly, we just need a break sometimes, you know? When you’re at work, toilet time is sacred time – it’s a few minutes to yourself where you can sit and fuck about on your phone while leisurely ridding your body of unnecessary fluids. A stand-up piss is quick and functional – you’re not scrolling through Instagram during a stand-up piss – but a sit-down wee is a treat.
Sometimes we just deserve a few minutes to park our arses over some porcelain and reflect on life. Life is stressful and life is hard, so let’s make the time we have to ourselves as pleasurable as we possibly can.
Fuck standing, it’s time we all admitted it – the sit-down wee is well and truly king.
