No, YOU’RE having a slow news day
Usually, for an article, I will sort of segue slowly into the action. You know. I don’t want to startle you. There’s always a winding introduction and then BANG – the actual crux of the piece – seemingly jumping out of nowhere like Randy Orton. In this particular instance, I’m not really sure how to start.
So, what happened was… the situation occurred… first thing’s first…
Fuck it. A man got hit in the face by an octopus. The culprit was a seal. He was kayaking. He was kayaking when a seal, a seal with an octopus – no – a seal using an octopus as an ASSAULT WEAPON, smacked him in the face. Smacked him in the face with the octopus. SPLOFFOOSH. That’s the noise. That’s the noise of the octopus, slimy, bulbous, slapping against his chops. SPLOFFOOSH. That’s the noise of a seal attack via octopus. That is the noise, my friends, of content.
Here’s the video.
SPLOFFOOSH.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BoM9qhHgHew/?taken-by=barekiwi
Now, the actual context, if you can’t be bothered to read the Instagram caption. But really quickly. Because there are some good quotes. Some good octopus-by-way-of-seal attack quotes.
Kyle Mulinder went kayaking. He works for GoPro, as it happens. Which is convenient. Which is convenient because he had one attached to the end of his kayak, when he went kayaking. He got some pretty good footage out of it, as it turns out. As it transpires, when the seal threw a large octopus directly at his face, the camera was rolling, and he did in fact film the whole thing. Of the octopus. Slamming into his mouth. Straight from the seal’s mouth. Into his. SPLOFFOOSH.
Mulinder told Australia’s Seven New that he had been watching an ongoing seal versus octopus fight to the death happening right in front of him.
“We were just sitting out in the middle of the ocean and then this huge male seal appeared with an octopus and he was thrashing him about for ages,” Mulinder said. “I was like ‘mate, what just happened?’ It was weird because it happened so fast but I could feel all the hard parts of the octopus on my face.”
The. Hard. Parts. Of. The. Octopus. On. His. Face.
Incredible.
The next time you are out kayaking on the crystal clear waters off the coast of Kaikōura in the South Island of New Zealand, just keep an eye out.
There are seals about. Seals with octopuses. Seals with octopuses who aren’t afraid to use them. SPLOFFOOSH. Too late.
