If you add an apostrophe to Halloween, you’re a nark
Not sure if you’ve heard, but Halloween is fast approaching.
You can tell because people are actively purchasing and then installing fake cobwebs around their houses in a bid to make the place feel a bit more spooky than usual.
Spiders are hiding in the corner of these rooms, laughing. They are laughing because we are jesters to them. They can make cobwebs with their butts and we are paying money for fake ones. We use dusters to get rid of the real ones and then replace them with artificial cobwebs. Man if you could hear those spiders laughing, they are having a blast.
Anyway, what bloody costume are you going to wear for Halloween? Whether you’re going to a party, trying to get some Instagram likes or working in one of those insufferable offices where it’s mandatory to dress up on October 31st to avoid being branded as “no fun”, the date is fast approaching and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. The march of time will get us all in the end.
Simply find your closest match on the list below and prepare to be bodied beyond belief.
Joker
Congratulations. You have taken inspiration from a popular movie that was released a few weeks before Halloween. Tell me, are you planning on cashing in on your creativity at some point in the future? Such outside the box thinking cannot be contained for long. You’re an innovator, a trailblazer who’s in possession of a dangerously powerful mind. “Yeah it just popped into my head when I was in the fancy dress shop”, you’ll tell fellow partygoers, brushing your feat off as a standard occurrence. Be prepared to win Halloween 2019 thanks to a unanimous vote, you big bloody genius. You’re going to invent the next Facebook. I can smell it.
Minion
Just reusing a costume from two years ago, aren’t you? Absolute scoundrel. “It’s vintage”, you’ll say as you burst into the office two days before the scheduled Halloween costume day. Failing to wear anything underneath the outfit, you’ll be forced to sit in important client meetings all day looking like SpongeBob SquarePants drawn from memory. You despise the spectacle of Halloween, but remain hellbent on fitting in. You haven’t watched a movie beyond a G rating in years and you refer to countdowns to important life events as “sleeps” because you’re a big bloody baby. Stop bringing Lunchables to work. While they are admittedly delicious, rumours are starting to spread.
The European Union
Just gone and looked at the trending topics on Twitter, haven’t you? Then bought a large amount of blue felt and a slightly smaller amount of yellow felt. Then started cutting out stars. Then had to Google how many you needed. Then gave up halfway through when you realised that nobody would count them anyway and if they do, you can just pretend that a few fell off. You’re a try-hard. You spend 12 minutes styling your hair in the morning to give it a disheveled look. You pay extra for priority boarding on flights so people can envy you. You’re not even a remainer, mate. Make an effort. At least go as the NHS bus or Ed Miliband eating a bacon sandwich.
Game of Thrones coffee cup
You opened a fresh note page on your phone the day this episode aired. You titled it ‘Halloween’ and skipped down two lines for aesthetic reasons, then wrote ‘GOT – Coffee cup’ because you were in a hurry. As you placed your phone back inside your briefcase, you smiled to yourself, already confident that nobody else would ever think of this genius idea. You’ve sat on this plan for five months now, slowly chipping away at the mechanics of the outfit. Eventually, you ordered a coffee cup outfit off Amazon. When you arrive at the Halloween party this year, someone else will also be the coffee cup from Game of Thrones. Everyone will laugh about how stupid you look. In the words of Maura Higgins, “You’re a follower, Tom”.
Old Town Road
I fear you haven’t thought this one through, because you’re either going to have to dress up as a literal old town road, or else as part of a couples’ costume playing the role of either Billy Ray Cyrus or Lil Nas X. However you choose to interpret the concept, you’re going to learn a valuable lesson along the way, which is that sometimes a good idea actually turns out to be a bad idea. Eventually you’ll settle for dressing as a boombox that plays the song on repeat all night. You’re always doing this, biting off more than you can chew. Why can’t you be more like your older sister? She’s got her life together. And has kids. When are you going to grow up?
Steve from Stranger Things
Breaking: Person watches popular TV show and feels inspired. Realistically, you’re not going to be able to pull together this outfit by yourself. That defies the laws of physics and thermodynamics. Instead, you’re going to have to cough up major cash (anything over £20) and order the outfit online and it’s probably not going to arrive in time because you just don’t deserve nice things. You’ve more money than sense and also you are idolising a teen who hangs around with kids. I’m not implying anything, but it’s just a bit sinister, kind of like ordering Happy Meals over the age of 12, but you do you.
The Hot Priest from Fleabag
“Kneel”, you’ll say to people in a bid to convince them that you’re a fictional priest character as opposed to just a general one. The problem is that not everyone has seen the show, but they should have some level of awareness regarding your outfit. See, in dressing yourself as someone referred to as “The hot priest”, you’re relying on your looks to do a large portion of the heavy lifting. Regardless of your sex symbol status, you’ll get a smidge introspective as you don the vestments, briefly contemplating if you’re actually hot enough to pull off the look. Beauty is a myth, anyway. Silence the haters with contemplative prayer.
Pennywise
I am saying this because I care: Do not attempt to recreate the Pennywise makeup look unless you are a) A professional makeup artist or b) Enlisting the help of a professional makeup artist. It’s not going to work unless either of those two methods are in place. Wherever you choose to source the oddly sexy outfit materials is entirely up to yourself, but the wig application and face paint need to be pristine. Don’t approach this one with your usual bullheaded attitude. It’s okay to ask for help, especially in this instance. We don’t want you looking like that spoon from Toy Story. Support your local makeup artist and give them £50 to paint your dumb face. It’s the right thing to do, cheapskate.
Sharif from Love Island
The trick here is to simply just wear a pair of swimming trunks and a floral shirt, turn up to the party but stay completely silent for two hours, then leave without any explanation. Please believe me when I say that you will be widely regarded as an absolute banter merchant. It’s an excellent costume, but the performance is what really gives it a sense of gravitas. Everyone will be talking about your genius stunt for a long time to come. A few days after the party, you need to give an exclusive to The Sun about why you left early. But leave it long enough so everyone can make up a bunch of rumours first.
Momo
Do you think scaring children is funny? You sick son of a bitch. You make me sick to my stomach. Don’t even bother coming into work tomorrow, or the day after. You’ve got a lot of growing up to do. Suppose you’ll be dressing as haunted Peppa Pig next year? Absolutely vile. No, I don’t care if Momo was actually all a big hoax and brought out the very worst in everyone that inhabits the cesspit that we call the internet. You are scum. I hate you. Death is too good for you. You want locking up, mate. Locking up and a good stern kick to the arse. Fair play if you can recreate that mask though. Also Little Momo (half Momo, half Little Mo from EastEnders) would be funny, just saying, but obviously I condemn this whole idea. You’re a pig.
Neil, the baby
You’re a lazy sack of shit but it’s commendable in this one single instance. Nobody knows what Neil The Baby looks like now, nor what he looked like during Gavin & Stacey. All you have to do is dress like a baby and wear a name tag. It’s genius and a complete waste of everyone’s time, and that’s the Halloween sweet spot, unfortunately. Be sure to throw out some G&S quotes throughout the night, drink mint Baileys and chow down on a couple of fresh omelettes. You might get a retweet off a minor character from the show who sees the outfit and that’s good enough in my eyes. Now get out of my sight, you work shy little scoundrel.
Coleen Rooney’s statement
Yeah fair play you’ve absolutely smashed it. You’re a smart arse, but the good kind. All you have to do is hoard the work printer for a few hours so you can get the full statement printed in full A3 glory, then piece it together carefully on a sandwich board and learn the entire thing word for word. Randomly deliver lines in a dramatic Liverpool accent throughout the day, then wait until 23:59 to give away the devastating verdict that “It’s ………. Rebekah Vardy’s account”.
