Happy International Coffee Day to you and yours!!!!1!!!1!!11!!2!
Coffee, on the whole, is universally regarded as being pretty tight.
You can drink it in the morning, afternoon, evening and even nighttime if you’re a deranged lunatic who enjoys the undeniable high that comes with not sleeping.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Come close, closer than that, okay little further back, perfect. You can tell a lot about a person based on their coffee order.
It shouldn’t make sense, heaven above it shouldn’t, but it does. There’s scientific evidence to prove that the number of adjectives in your coffee order corresponds directly to the number of years it has been since another person has touched you.
Behold, here’s what your coffee order says about you.
Americano
You’re a simple soul, one who enjoys everyday comforts such as stopping the microwave right before it beeps at zero and asking people to turn down their headphones at work because you can hear the music and “it’s actually very distracting for the rest of us”. You recently bought a KeepCup and that mangled bit of glass comes everywhere with you, even the bathroom. The hilarity of emerging from the toilet with a glass of brown liquid isn’t lost on you, as you announce “Hahahaha, it’s not what you think!!” every single time.
Your favourite hobbies are watching Instagram stories and recalling the time you saw Jamie Theakston in the airport, but opted not to ask for a photograph as he appeared to be in bad form. You find decorative quotes to be hysterical, once laughing for twenty minutes at a coffee shop sign that said “On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell”. You WhatsApped the image to your entire contact list and uploaded it to Facebook with the caption “Me!!!!!”, followed by seven cry laugh emojis. Keep on doing you, champ.
Espresso
Absolute Banter Craving Lunatic, welcome to your tape. You live life in the fast lane, never once tempted by the allure of the slow and indeed even slower lanes that are available to you at all times. You’re full throttle right from your unnecessary 5am wakeup alarm to your sensible bedtime of midnight. Other people may need eight hours of sleep, but you simply cannot afford to escape the rat race for a third of the day like they can. That’s the difference between losers and winners – being well rested and also being clinically insane.
For fun, you like to fit the stereotype by playing hard as well as working hard. Nights out consist of reserved tables and countless bottles of Grey Goose vodka, mixed with confidently begging members of the opposite sex to talk to you so you don’t look like a sad case. Your favourite colour is fuchsia (pronounced few-schahhhhh) and you smoke 95 cigarettes a day. As a child, you identified with Scrappy Doo far more than anyone will ever comprehend. Despite never having it confirmed by a doctor, you tell people you have ADHD so you can get away with being rude.
Mocha
You are a liar and a fraud and you will end up sad, alone and without enough money to buy your own happiness with burgers. You don’t like coffee, you just wanted a more socially acceptable hot chocolate at 8am. Well, my dude, I’m going to let you in on a secret. You can get hot chocolate any time you want because you are an adult and therefore the master of your own destiny. 7am, noon, right before your Granny’s funeral, whenever you want. Once it’s in the container with a lid on, nobody has any idea what you’re drinking. It could be straight gin if you want.
Drinking mochas comes with a lot of pressure for you as the likelihood of it spilling all over your Smart Car or novelty tie is very high. Still, your colleagues know you’re a wacky person, remember that time you wrote “Sorry to see you go…. into your 40s!!!” on Jim’s birthday card. It seemed like you had mistaken the card for a farewell one, but you pulled it back at the end. Everyone had a good chuckle. You’re a hoot! Now get out of here, go back to your afternoon of alphabetising the spice rack in the kitchen while mentally prepping your Lost – The Musical script for Andrew Lloyd Webber’s people.
Latte
Cruelly voted as the ‘Most Likely To Be The Exact Same Forever’ at school, you’ve defied the odds by transforming into an entirely different person as you now spend your days being a professional catfish. You were employed by the hit TV show to trick unsuspecting love-seekers into falling for you, mostly because they’d run out of genuine participants. See, once everyone figured out that the show was basically just a longwinded lesson in how to reverse Google image search, as well as asking people to do a Skype call, it was game over. Enter, your skillset.
On a personal level, you like to play things safe. Your car has never dropped below a quarter tank of petrol, you pay bills as soon as they arrive through the door, you’ve even got a pension plan set up. Friends look to you for taxi fare after a night out because they know you’re the only one that keeps a crisp emergency £20 note on hand at all times. They never pay you back, but you’re far too polite to ask them anyway. The satisfaction of knowing that everyone’s home safe and dry is enough for you. In three years, you’re going to have a breakdown, but let’s worry about that another time.
Iced Coffee
“Don’t forget to like, subscribe and turn on notifications”, you say, ending your YouTube video entitled ‘Crazy British Teen Tries American Snacks’, which your adoring 42 subscribers will have the pleasure of viewing next week once you get it edited on iMovie. As you switch off the professional studio lighting kit you bought in Aldi, you take a sip of your iced coffee. It’s gone warm and inspiration strikes. You pick up your phone, launch Twitter, tap the top right icon, type ‘Iced coffee gone warm, back to its intended form from whence it came. RIP buddy’ and send tweet. Inevitable virality awaits.
Life as an undiscovered social media influencer is tough, but you’re making great headway at the moment. Quitting uni to pursue YouTube was a bold choice and one that’s sure to pay off. Friends and family think you’re nuts, but they’ll change their tune when you’re starring in a Zoella Christmas vlog and barreling towards 1,000 subscribers soon enough. It’s all about patience. In the meantime, keep deleting old tweets that might get you booted off your inevitable I’m A Celeb appearance in 2020. You can never be too prepared, champ.
Cappuccino
A far cry from the lunacy of years gone by, you’re what’s best described as Chronically Settled now. Things have all gone reasonably according to plan and now you find yourself killing time between holidays and weekend breaks. You sold your soul to the corporate world for what seemed like a terrific deal at the time, but now it has transpired to be a test in endurance to see how many days you can do the exact same thing in a row before you realise that the sweet release of your impending mortality is a far more satisfying option.
Friends often berate your complacency, describing you as boring or excruciatingly dependable, but that’s their problem. They’re yet to mature and see the benefits of spending your Friday nights attacking an adult colouring book accompanied by precisely one large glass of red wine as you watch Graham Norton interviewing Jamie Oliver about his latest ploy to ruin junk food for us all. Your favourite colour is cream and you’re going to give up sugar in the new year just to see if it makes any difference to your energy levels. It won’t. Also, you are the worst.
Frappuccino
Read this quickly before Mummy comes to collect you from montessori because you are a little baby who must be monitored at all times. If your go-to coffee order is a frappuccino, simply, you need your head examining and your morals readjusted. It’s a glorified milkshake. The whipped cream on top is basically a red flag to a bull, except it’s a sugar rush temptress to children. You’re not a fan of coffee, you just wanted a more socially acceptable milkshake because you are a baby trapped in an adult’s body.
Your favourite movie is Gnomeo & Juliet, you still live at home, you take horoscopes very seriously and at least one of your grandparents still calls you a deeply embarrassing nickname such as ‘Poopsie’ or ‘Boopy Boo’. Never has a frappuccino passed through your body before being heavily Instagrammed beforehand. Your claim to fame is that Zayn Malik once liked and then very quickly unliked a reply you sent which simply said ‘Destroy me, Daddy’. One day you will graduate from frappuccinos to mochas and finally achieve true inner peace.
Decaf
If your personality was a sound, it would be that of a heavy sigh someone does after being in the queue at the tax office for twenty minutes, upon realising that they’re not even halfway through the process and in too deep to back out now. You’re excruciating in every way. You are a Taylor Swift defender, you go to the gym four days a week and eat protein bars for nutritional reasons, not because they are slathered in chocolate and delicious. You drive an energy efficient car and found the Harry Potter series to be “a bit farfetched”.
“I drinking decaf for the taste rather than the buzz”, you say every time someone bodies you for ordering a cup of wimp juice. Financially, you’ve recently invested heavily in ancient Japanese brands of vitamins and supplements despite there being very little scientific research to back them up. Your body is a temple, albeit one that is filled to the brim with sadness. You don’t drink alcohol because you dislike feeling out of control, nor do you eat meat anymore because of a documentary you saw on Netflix six months ago. You’re allergic to fun, banter and penicillin. Unless you only drink decaf after 6pm. That’s fine tbh.
