Horoscantcope.
Hey, hey you. Want to know what fate has in store for you over the course of the next four weeks?
Well tough, there’s literally no way to know that.
Still, let’s just take a stab in the dark. For banter.
Find your star sign below and educate yourself.
Aquarius
You’ve an epic month in store because your stars have truly aligned. A distant relative of yours is going to pass away and leave you a small sum of money. Now, listen carefully, this is important. You’re going to want to take that money to your local casino and bet everything on black. You won’t win, but the whole thing will teach you a very valuable lesson about trust. Never trust anyone, least of all someone that writes garbage on the internet for a living. Also, maybe look into getting a decent internet service provider because your current one is taking the piss. £95 a month for an average speed of 25Mb? Joke shop, mate. June 17th will be your lucky day. You’re going to bump into Craig Charles in the veg aisle of Asda!
Pisces
Pack your bags because you’re going to Tesco at some stage this month. You’re going to forget to bring your carry bags, so this is your official reminder to prevent that from happening. Once you bring your bags, you’ll upset fate and enter into a Final Destination situation whereby death will have to catch up with you. Unfortunately, you’re going to meet your untimely demise because of a carrier pigeon. He will be carrying a heavy load overseas when he loses grip due to turbulence. A heavy box filled with stain removal liquids will land on your head, killing you instantly. Truthfully, a lot of people will be sad, but nobody will be devastated because you’ve become a bit of an arsehole in recent years. June 9th will be your lucky day. Stephen Merchant will like a news outlet’s sponsored tweet about your bizarre death.
Aries
Things are looking so-so this month, which means you’re going to have to defy the stars to have a good time. This can be done very easily by dabbling in the occult. Simply purchase a Ouija board and contact some spirits, politely asking them if they could spare an afternoon to help you. Once you find a suitable aide, get them to meddle with the stars, don’t worry if you don’t understand what they’re doing, it doesn’t really concern you. Also, if you get a chance, ask them if they could get in touch with Amy Winehouse and make sure she is at peace. That’s very important. Anyway, the spirit will realign your stars and all going to plan, you’ll get a £4 scratch card win on 27th June, which you can used to buy a cold drink to cool you down on that scorching hot day. Result!
Taurus
Listen. Harder than that. Can you hear it? It’s the sound of all your dreams coming true this month and it’s long overdue. You’re going to have an incredible June, finding love, friendship, happiness and a whole unopened packet of gum in your denim jacket pocket. This stellar month is going to start at work, where your boss will promote you to CEO and also give you a brand new notebook that you can write your every thought in. Then you’ll return home to find that your parents have decided to get a divorce. Sounds sad, but it means you’ll be having two Christmasses this year, and as a result, getting double the amount of presents! Your phone is also due an upgrade at the end of the month, so that’s exciting and fun. To top off an incredible June, you’re also going to get one extra Penguin bar in a multipack due to a production line error on their part. Keep it. Eat it. Enjoy it.
Gemini
Bad news, you’re going to get dumped this month. Good news, you’ll get over it in 5-7 years. Heartache is a terrible thing, but if you go about this correctly, you can use it to fuel your ambitions. The best way to get back at an ex is obviously to better yourself in every single way, then pray that they eventually notice and feel insanely jealous. So you’ll need to hit the gym, hard. Start getting more protein and find a haircut that doesn’t make your face look like a boiled egg that’s been rolled across a hairdresser’s floor. Upload Instagram stories of yourself and the gang having a wonderful time, purely so that your former lover can see it. Resist the 2am ‘U up? x’ text because it’s going to go unanswered. Stay strong and better yourself. In 7 years they’ll come crawling back, but you’ll be elsewhere, tending to your Alpaca farm outside Florida.
Cancer
A unique opportunity is going to present itself this month, but only if you allow it to. An email is going to arrive into your inbox on 6th June. It might go into the spam folder, so be sure to check there as well. It comes from overseas and contains an incredible business proposition that you’re not going to want to ignore. A pharmaceuticals company in Mozambique has selected YOU to be the worthy recipient of $1.5m worth of shares. Why you? Because fate. Without hesitation, send them your bank details along with a photocopy of your passport, then sit back and watch those sweet, sweet coins roll in. Take the next couple of days to inform friends and family, maybe even gloat a little. Quit your job and get ready to live the high life. You deserve it, champ.
Leo
You need to stop playing Jenga before it leads to a crippling addiction. Sure, it seems like a casual activity to engage in with friends, but staying up past midnight trying to work out the best Jenga strategy on your own is when you’re verging on problematic territory. Your addictive personality needs to be kept in check, so use this month to recalibrate things. You used to love cycling, maybe you could dust off the old set of wheels buried in the shed and get out there in the sunshine? You father and I are worried about you, that’s all. Jenga isn’t a normal thing to obsess over, why couldn’t you be obsessed with drinking or Star Wars? This isn’t an ambush, it’s just a concerned couple of thoughts being expressed. Look, do what you have to do. But if the banks come knocking to repossess this house because you’ve taken out a loan to make a giant Jenga house design and can’t repay it, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Virgo
Congratulations, you’re going to have your first kiss this month. It’s going to take place in a nightclub and it will more so be CPR than a kiss, but there will be lip on lip contact. See, you’re going to have precisely three Bacardi Breezers (two more than your tolerance limit) and then pass out. Your mates won’t notice because they’ll be too busy tagging in on Facebook, but luckily one of the bouncers will get the medics on site within minutes. You’ll wake up from a deep sleep to the warm sensation of Colin, a 48-year-old trainee paramedic from Dundee’s lips pressed against yours. Your mates will take a bunch of Snapchats of the whole thing going down, so don’t even worry about that. Colin will quickly realise that you were asleep the entire time as opposed to unconscious, and be taken to court over a series of inappropriate occurrences at work over the last couple of months. You’ll also buy reduced price socks in Primark!
Libra
Buddy, the best sandwich of your life is going to cross your path this month. On 20th June, you’re going to try out a new spot for lunch, it’s just around the corner from work and they handed in 10% off fliers. Annoyingly, you’re going to forget to bring the flyer and have to pay full price for the sandwich, but it’s going to be worth it. I don’t want to spoil the contents of the sandwich, but trust me, the chutney is going to blow your mind. Aside from the sandwich, you’re actually going to have a pretty tough month. Your dog will need a small procedure that ends up costing thousands and also you’re going to stub your toe twice in the exact same spot. It’ll balloon out but there’s nothing the doctors can do. The toe will die and have to be amputated. Such an ironic shame your name is Tony too.
Scorpio
Fudge! You’re going to lose your favourite calligraphy pen and unfortunately it’s not going to return. You’ll put up posters around town, try retracing your last steps with the pen and even tweet Ellen to see if she’ll help, but the pen isn’t going to return. It’s not all sadness and gloom because you’re going to have some good news towards the end of the month. Jedward will announce that they’re bringing out a new album and they need some high concept artwork to accompany it. They want a unique piece of art, something that fully represents their whole vibe. Unfortunately, you’ll lose the commission because they specifically want ‘Jedward’ written in calligraphy, but your pen will still be MIA. You won’t be able to pay rent and are going to have to move back home. Unlucky.
Sagitarius
THIS IS YOUR MONTH! Everything is coming up Milhouse as they put on a Simpsons omnibus on telly and you settle down to watch it. An advert for the Euromillions lottery will come on screen, which inspires you to buy a ticket. Unfortunately, you won’t win anything, but you’ll learn a valuable lesson about gambling. You’re going to head to the pub and catch up with some old friends from Uni, where you’ll learn that Stevie wants you to be his best man at the wedding. Not only that, he also thinks you should get the band back together to perform at the afters. Unbeknownst to you, Ronnie Wood is going to be in attendance and he’ll invite you to tour with The Rolling Stones as a backing guitarist. When you wake up from that elaborate and lifelike dream, you’re going to be in a great mood. That mood will last throughout most of June. Congratulations.
Capricorn
It’s going to be a mixed month for you, meaning it’ll have ups and downs. On the positive side of things, you’re finally going to purchase a comfortable pair of clogs for the summer and everyone will compliment how stylish and horse-sounding they are. But with all good things often comes the bad, and you’re not exempt from Sod’s law. The clogs are going to infect your feet with a flesh-eating bacteria. You’ll have to be put in intensive care for a week, but you’ll emerge with a new outlook on life. Your brush with danger won’t be wasted as you use it to fuel your career and really start impressing your boss at work. Annoyingly, you’ll forget about the bacteria-ridden clogs’ harmful properties and mindlessly wear them again just two weeks after leaving ICU. This time, they will eat your entire face off. By July, you’ll be unrecognisable largely because your face will just be a skull. Still, keep what’s left of your chin up. Could be worse!
