Facial hair.
Nearly every adult male is capable of it but so many get it so very wrong. Alas no one teaches you at puberty what your face-based follicles are saying about you; you’re taught how to shave, but not how to shave.
By way of a public service, we thought we’d inform you as to exactly what your facial hair is putting out there, so that you may shave and cultivate your beard bits with full disclosure. Hair starteth the lesson…
The soul patch
Best case scenario
You’re a member of 90s American pop-rock trio and are contractually obliged to keep your bit of fluff.
Worst case scenario
There’s no easy way of putting this: You belong on some form of register. Please turn yourself in.
The connected goatee
Best case scenario
You’re Idris Elba, in which case, congratulations on being Idris Elba.
Worst case scenario
You’re a larger gentleman who wants to look like a thumb with eyebrows. Or you’re a magician.
The unconnected goatee
Best case scenario
You’re a creative genius who is known for his maverick ways and ripping up the rule book. That dot behind you? It’s the line you crossed ages ago.
Worst case scenario
You’re a Tony Stark style business magnate who will stop at nothing to achieve world domination. Mahogany tan optional.
The handlebar moustache
Best case scenario
You’re a renowned street performer of some sort, and a regular fixture at the Edinburgh Fringe.
Worst case scenario
Your one daily wish is that someone will refer to you as a hipster so you can sigh and say you’re not.
The cowboy moustache
Best case scenario
You’re a Latin-American freedom fighter who is willing to die for the noble cause of freeing your people.
Worst case scenario
You’ve got zero personality and the moustache is your desperate attempt to seem zany and wacky.
The Hitler moustache
Best case scenario
You’re Charlie Chaplin or a stand up comedian being ironic.
Worst case scenario
The worse case scenario of having a Hitler moustache is definitely Adolf Hitler.
The Craig David
Best case scenario
It was a phase. Beppe di Marco was deemed sexy and you clearly had too much time on your hands.
Worst case scenario
The worse case scenario of having a Craig David is definitely Craig David (Editor’s note: These are the views of one rogue writer, not the views of JOE).
The neck beard
Best case scenario
You were shaving and forgot to do that bit. Or you’re a gap-year student finding yourself in Goa.
Worst case scenario
You earnestly play love songs on the guitar to your other half (which they endure). Also, you definitely cry when you wank.
The neat beard
Best case scenario
You’re absolutely comfortable in your own skin. You’re doing this for yourself and no one else.
Worst case scenario
We’re giving you a free pass. You’re a massive nonce for all we know but it’s not down to your facial hair.
The unruly beard
Best case scenario
You’re a rugged Scandinavian who bathes outdoors and knows manly things like how to change a tyre.
Worst case scenario
You’re a f**king scruff. Sort your life out otherwise it’ll go bad quicker than the piece of tuna stuck to your chin.
The chinstrap
Best case scenario
You preserved the union and abolished slavery. Well done, but avoid the theatre.
Worst case scenario
You know you did that murder. Everyone knows you did that murder. Just you wait for advancements in forensic science.
The accessorised beard
Best case scenario
Get the f**k out.
Worst case scenario
Seriously, f**k off.
The pencil moustache
Best case scenario
You’re an oldey-style spiv who’s a bit of rogue but handy to know if you want some American chocolate or nylon stockings.
Worst case scenario
You’re a former member of N-Dubz and not as sharp as your facial hair. On the other hand, you’re hung like a shire horse so swings and roundabouts.
The long sidies
Best case scenario
You’re an original skinhead who has never forgotten their first love. You may also be into Northern Soul.
Worst case scenario
Do you cycle for living? Fan of Paul Weller?
The connected sidey-moustache
Best case scenario
Howay Geoff man! You run a youth club in the Byker district of Newcastle upon Tyne. Or you’re Lemmy RIP.
Worst case scenario
You’re a farmer who’s more interested in their livestock than a long-term relationship of any sort.
The novelty shaped sidies
Best case scenario
You’re Alex ‘Star-Burns’ Osbourne from cult comedy series Community. We’re big fans.
Worst case scenario
You’re a rude boy who has pimped up their ride with a sound system far exceeding the value of the car.
The stubble
Best case scenario
You’ve not got the time or vanity to shave every day, but you’re also self-aware enough to know your beard is sh*t.
Worst case scenario
You’re a middle-aged man who constantly keeps their stubble at a set growth. You wear one earring.
The clean-shaven
Best case scenario
You’re a particular handsome bloke and it would be a sin to cover up a large % of your money-maker with unnecessary foliage.
Worst case scenario
You aren’t clean-shaven at all. You’re just incapable of growing any facial hair and it kills you inside.
