David Moyes has a tough task to turn things around at West Ham.
The former Manchester United, Sunderland and Everton manager took over from Slaven Bilic this month, with the club languishing near the bottom of the table and lacking any cohesive plan or tactical approach.
Much has been made of the Scot’s record after his appointment, with many Hammers supporters labeling him an uninspired choice to resuscitate the ailing side after three successive failures at Sunderland, Real Sociedad and Manchester United.
Despite the pessimism surrounding him, it remains early days for Moyes at the London Stadium. Yes, he has much to do, but if he makes the right decisions there is no reason success should prove elusive.
In that spirit, here are five ways Moyes could turn things around for the Hammers.
1 – Pretend he never took the job and simply leave
An rarely considered but almost guaranteed method for success in tough times, Moyes could – if he saw fit – pretend he never signed a contract at West Ham and simply leave forever.
If he is lucky enough, the club’s owners will become confused by the situation and eventually believe the claim that he was never hired. Moyes will then be free to take some time away from football, all the while receiving a weekly income from the employers he insists he never met.
West Ham, meanwhile, will be able to hire someone else – ideally not David Moyes – and move on as a club rejuvenated.
2 – Incite a nuclear conflict
The nuclear option – though drastic – should never be taken off the table. One of the most frequent criticisms of Moyes’ Old Trafford tenure is that the Scottish manager didn’t threaten global safety in a bid to hold onto his job.
While many accused him of being weak for failing to do so, Moyes insisted that the relative geopolitical stability of the time left him with no other choice.
That, however, is no longer a problem, with the election of Donald Trump as US president combined with the North Korea and Russia threat making 2017 one of the most perilous times in living memory.
Rather than be cowed at the thought of a Threads style situation, Moyes could capitalise on the moment at hand and set in motion a nuclear conflict using his contacts at the highest levels of every major government.
With a nuclear onslaught seemingly inevitable, Moyes will be free to manage the Hammers without pressure up until the point we are all turned to dust.
3 – Become another human being
One of the key concerns voiced by West Ham fans recently was that Moyes was not a particularly exciting choice for the role of manager. In light of the extreme downturn his career has taken since leaving Everton, one of the Scot’s main problems has been convincing the footballing world that he is still a relevant figure.
However, Moyes could address this problem in one felt swoop if he simply becomes someone else, perhaps in a kind of Face/Off style situation. Overnight, West Ham supporters will become delighted that their manager is now – for some reason – Pep Guardiola or Antonio Conte – and Moyes will be free to manage the team without having to look over his shoulder.
Modern science is at such an advanced stage that Moyes could likely complete this process by spending less than half of West Ham’s January transfer budget. Once complete, he can use the rest of his time and money to develop new signings Steven Pienaar and Darren Gibson into world class wing backs.
4 – Marry David Gold or David Sullivan
A large proportion of the footballing community expect David Moyes to struggle during his tenure at the London Stadium. They expect him to find it difficult to change the club’s on-pitch fortunes and they expect this to translate to the board and how they view their manager.
One possible way to bypass this problem would be for Moyes to marry either or both of West Ham’s co-owners: David Gold and David Sullivan.
While this may sound unusual, Moyes could ensure that he is given the time and patience that only comes from a loving marriage, thus granting him a calm environment in which to succeed and transform West Ham.
What’s more, Moyes could very well end up enormously happy with his new life partners, which is something money cannot buy.
5 – Address the team’s problems with tactics and identity and build a culture of attractive and passionate football
While the rest of our options are realistic, we will admit that this one is at best outlandish, but bear with us for a minute.
Under this hypothetical situation, Moyes would devote his time to creating an entirely new culture within West Ham, one which encourages positive football and youth development while identifying and securing young, cost-effective targets which will benefit the club before being sold off for a massive mark-up years later.
In undertaking this task, Moyes could revitalise both his own reputation and his club’s prospects, though appears significantly less likely than him choosing to simply start World War III.
