La Liga today launched a sensational attack on Manchester City, after asking UEFA to investigate the Premier League club for stealing its lunch money.
Rubbing their tear-filled eyes and wiping snot away with the cuff of their jumpers, tired and upset La Liga officials insisted that it was only right for European football’s governing body to look into incidents of the club stealing the money given to them specifically to buy lunch at school.
The complaint by the Spanish league authorities also involves claims that Pep Guardiola’s side gave them wet willies, wedgies and spread rumours that they have head lice even though they haven’t had head lice in years.
In a press conference hastily announced by the emotional La Liga board this afternoon, they confirmed that a complaint had been made to UEFA regarding the “mean” and “not nice at all” behaviour of “those baddies in Manchester”.
“They curse when they know you’re not around”
A statement claims City benefit from sponsorship deals that 'make no economic sense and lack any fair value' https://t.co/cvvr0q6e1J
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“They’re always pushing us and jumping ahead of us in line. They never leave us alone and we’ve never, ever done anything to them, honest!” said the red-faced La Liga officials while comforting each other, before listing the myriad ways in which Manchester City have treated them poorly in recent months and years.
“We know you probably won’t believe us because you always take their side, but whenever we try to do what our parents say and just ignore them, they punch us in the arm. They give us nuggies, put us in headlocks and punch us until we have dead arms.”
As the press conference continued, the traumatised officials – who at this point had been joined by their parents – described in detail the ordeals of wedgies, wet willies and lice rumours they had experienced at the hands of the cruel Mancunians.
They continued: “When we’re not looking they pull our underpants up over our trousers until we’re really sore, and sometimes they spit on their fingers before sticking them into our ears. And they’re always telling officials from other leagues that we still have head lice and that they should stay away from us, even though everyone knows we haven’t had lice in years.”
Despite the horrified journalists in attendance insisting that they were unable to take much more, the horror did not end there. Mere moments before the press conference ended, a bawling La Liga board member made one last and potentially devastating claim.
“…And they curse when they know you’re not around,” he said, before being guided out of the room.
