It’s no fun being ill.
It makes you realise how much you take your health and fully functioning nasal passages for granted.
If, like me, you find yourself with a cold roughly every 12 days, a pattern will start to emerge in your Mum’s disparaging phrases. As we all know, the best way to get over a cold is to be inundated with an outpouring of sympathy.
Would a call from the Queen be too much? An OBE for the heroism demonstrated in battling a suspected case of the flu? Instead, we get a lecture series on the importance of wearing a jacket from Mother dearest.
Here’s 21 things anyone that’s suffered a life-threatening cold or flu has undoubtedly heard from their Mum.
1. This is what happens when you go out without a coat on. I warned you.
2. I threw 6 oranges in the bin last week, gone off. Maybe if you’d eaten them you wouldn’t be in this state.
3. Instead of moping about the house, you could make yourself useful and help with the hoovering.
4. You better not pass your germs onto me, I’ve a busy week coming up.
5. That’s going to go down into your chest if you’re not careful.
6. This is because you’re staying out late every weekend. I told you.
7. How many times did I say it wasn’t warm enough to be wearing such a skimpy jumper with nothing underneath?
8. No. I’m not putting on the heating just because you’re cold. Not unless you’re paying for it.
9. Your father rang, he said you should listen to Coldplay. Haha!
10. Have you taken anything? Have another paracetamol.
11. Don’t use all those tissues, we’re going to run out.
12. There’s Ribena in the kitchen. You can heat it up if you want, I’m not your maid.
13. This is all because you don’t eat enough vegetables.
14. I’m not buying Actimels anymore, they don’t work and they’re too expensive.
15. Make sure you drink lots of fluids and I don’t mean alcohol.
16. I’m getting this house checked for draughts because you’re always ill.
17. Maybe if you actually wore socks with your trainers you wouldn’t have this problem.
18. A cup of tea? And specifically WHAT did your last slave die from?
19. Slather yourself in Vicks before you go to bed.
20. I haven’t got any sympathy for you, so you can stop feeling sorry for yourself.
21. Now my throat is feeling a bit scratchy. If you’ve passed that onto me you can find somewhere else to live.
