Attention gamers!
No longer will you have to choose between a serious game of PUBG and that giant bucket of grease in front of you, thanks to the new grease controller.
Gone are the days when you would have to frantically wipe your greasy, stubby, grease-laden, greasy hands down your cargo shorts during the loading screen, gone are the days of trying and failing to quickscope because your thumb is too lubricated with animal fat, over are all the times you have handed someone a controller after dying (because your sticky pad-bashing fingers are like butter-covered eels thrashing in a bathtub) only for it to slide straight out of their hands like a bar of soap and stick to your carpet like a sticky, hot boiled sweet clinging to the roof of your mouth.
A thing of the past it will be, to dab your greasy meat-fist from the bucket of chicken to the X button, bucket to the button, bucket to the button, rectangular eyes never once blinking or turning away from the screen, button to chicken, chicken to button, grease, grease, grease, grease, until you find yourself jamming away at the X once more like a frustrated pirate punching a hole through a map, only now it won’t quite respond, having been jammed slightly into the innards of the Xbox controller itself at a crucial junction as you, hot wing in hand, chicken slobber down chin, crash and burn out of the game once more.
It is over, brave, chicken-fuelled knight. It is finally over.
Realise your full gaming and eating, and eating whilst gaming even though you are not expending any calories, any calories at all, potential, with this:
The Xbox PUBG Greaseproof Controller.
Made by Xbox Australia, the Greaseproof 1.0 controller is covered in a thin layer of… well, grease, meaning that it is “impervious to minor scratches, water, and of course, roast chicken grease.”
Ok, so it isn’t actually chicken grease and 12 secret herbs and spices but a “special coating resistant to grease and oil”, but what could be more resistant to grease than more grease? The answer is quite literally: nothing.
Unfortunately for all you grease-monkeys out there, only 200 are being made and each will be individually numbered. You can visit the Xbox Australia and New Zealand page to try and win one, but lets face it, your fingers will probably slide right off the keyboard whilst you are trying to enter your Xbox Gamertag of GreaseChimp46.
