Is this some kind of sick joke?
Hi. Hello. Hi. I don’t know if you know anything about me, I’m going to go ahead and assume you don’t, but recently I spent several weeks of my life ranking all 151 original Pokémon. It was, comfortably, the most difficult task I have ever undertaken and came with quite frankly troubling consequences, such as all 12 Electabuzz fans in the entire world bombarding the Facebook post of the article to call me, and I quote, a ‘deluded wanker’.
The stakes are, unfortunately, always this high when the journalism is this important.
As a result, I am here to bring you the news of the latest Pokémon games which were announced today, along with the most crucial aspect: The three brand new starters.
Let’s get all the unimportant stuff out of the way first. Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield will be coming to the Nintendo Switch in late 2019 and it’ll be 3D and set in the Galar region and will have different weather as you walk around and all sorts of other cool new features.
The important stuff? These three chumps who you’ll have to pick from when you start the game. They are absolutely fucking dreadful. Seriously. My god do they suck.
Grookey – Grass
This is Grookey. It is a Grass Pokémon. It is – as far as I can tell – a monkey with a couple of leaves sticking out its head, which qualifies as hair I guess, and a twig acting as a kind of hairpin to keep the style in place. Other than that its standout features are being mostly green, which is the colour of actual grass (very clever Pokémon, very clever) and a little bit brown, the colour of earth (ditto), and then just having an orange mouth and paws so it looks a bit like it is doing the washing up. It is called Grookey, which is presumably a cross between ‘monkey’, which is the name of what it is, and… ???? I don’t know? What’s the pun? What the fuck is the pun? It can’t just be ‘grass’ x ‘monkey’ can it? With an ‘n’ removed? That can’t be it, surely? Grookey. How has it come to this? What does it evolve into? Twigape? Grassboon? Fuck off back to your Nickelodeon cartoon for slow learners you imposter. Even Treecko was better than this.
Scorbunny – Fire
Jesus H. Christ would you look at this arrogant little shit. I despise it already. Scorbunny is a whopper, you can just tell. It looks like its dad has just bought it a flat in Shoreditch even though it doesn’t have a job. And is still at uni. And is 25. And goes on a skiing holiday to ‘Verbz’ every year. And has applied – and been rejected by – Love Island four seasons and counting. Get your hands off your hips, quit your masters degree in ‘Global Business Development’ and go and manage a medium-sized Carphone Warehouse branch like you’re supposed to. *Extremely Danny Dyer ranting about David Cameron voice* Twat.
Sobble – Water
Possibly the worst of the lot. Look at it. Can’t you see it is in pain? Can’t you see the Sobble only exists to die? It wants you to stamp on it. Go on. Crush it under your shoe. Splosh it. Splosh it all over the fucking pavement. It is tired of living. I mean, I actually get the pun in this one. It’s a mashup of ‘bubble’ and ‘sob’, and it is literally the saddest, most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen. It’s as if they let young Morrissey design a Pokémon. ‘Heaven knows I’m Sobble now’.
The thing is, however, Sobble being this impossibly bad can only mean that its final evolution, yet unreleased, will be the most ridiculously cool Pokémon you will ever see. Even though it looks like a tadpole had sex with raindrop, Sobble is officially a ‘water lizard’ and that means I am predicting a kind of 20 foot tall komodo dragon that has a tongue entirely made out diamonds, that is also a sword, a diamond sword tongue, called, wait for it, ‘Komhydro’. That has to be it. That’s the only possible redeemable outcome here. Anything less and I’ll be even more sickened and appalled than I am now.
Should you still want to watch the trailer, here it is. I’m done. All this Mr.Mime fan fiction isn’t going to write itself.
