Okay folks, strap in. This is a weird one.
It should be perfectly clear that you are not supposed to put your dick into a coconut, but there’s just no stopping some people. Those are the kind of people who will go ahead and put their dick in a coconut even if you explicitly tell them what a terrible idea it is.
Over on Reddit there’s a place called TIFU (Today I Fucked Up). This is where people come to share stories of some calamity that users have gotten themselves into. Every now and again, someone fucks up in such a spectacular way that you have to lean back in your seat and say, “Damn, that guy really fucked up.”
A few days ago, a user going by the name of coconutthrowaway69 posted a story, about a man and his desires. He said that while he was living in Mozambique, his mother was going through a “health nut” phase, meaning that there was a lot of fruit in the house, including coconuts.
“Being a horny teenager,” he said, “I fapped [masturbated] in regular intervals.
“Unfortunately there was some severely stressful examinations coming up for me and as such my fapping reached a higher peak then usual and I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon.
“Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut.”
Okay. Great. Cool.
The man then details how he drilled a hole big enough to insert his penis into the coconut, and had sex with it (after lubing himself up with some butter, obviously). “I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day,” he said. Charming.
“For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It’s heaven.”
Jesus Christ. It doesn’t get better from here. Coconutthrowaway69 said that after a while the coconut was starting to attract flies, so instead of just throwing it away and spending the rest of his life in penance as a monk, he decided to give his beloved one last outing.
“Worst mistake I have ever made,” the man said.
“You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs.
“As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and mouldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.
“I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.”
Okay, let’s all stop and take a breath, because that is a lot to deal with. Oh god, pass the bucket.
The good news? There’s no good news here. We’re in coconut-fucking town. There is only darkness and despair.
An artist’s impression of my face after reading this story
The post on Reddit blows up and attracts a lot of attention. You’d think that this horror story would dissuade people from having sex with coconuts. It does not. It actually inspires a number of copycats who all learn what they should already know: that fucking a coconut is a bad idea.
Multiple posts with titles like “TIFU by not listening to a TIFU post and getting my dick stuck in a coconut”, “TIFU by being tempted by the magnitude of coconut fucking posts” and “TIFU by jumping on the bandwagon and trying to penetrate a coconut” started springing up.
All learned the same lesson, whether it be through getting their “mushroom tip” stuck in the hole or ripping the coconut off just in time for their mother to see them clutching their bleeding penis. There’s more than one way to have a bad time fucking a coconut, and that’s something we never thought we’d need to know.
One more time for the people at the back: don’t fuck coconuts.
