This is how you deal with con-artists.
Nobody is really sure how or why, but at least once in your lifetime – a phone scammer will come calling for you.
For the most part, people don’t tend to fall for the scam but some people must, or else the grifting industry would have shrivelled up and died by now.
Dave Holmes, a writer with Esquire, took to Twitter today to describe his experience with the world’s worst phone scammers and it was absolutely hilarious.
The next time one of these phone-scammers gets your number, take a leaf out of Holmes’ book and turn the tables on them.
Here’s what he did, in his own words:
I just got targeted by the laziest, shoddiest grifters I have ever come across in my life, and boy did I enjoy it.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I was coming out of the gym, disoriented/exhausted, and there was a vm from a # in MD. I listened: THIS IS A FINAL NOTICE FROM THE IRS.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
(I should be numbering these, but I don't know how many there will be.) (Let's say 20.)
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I called back, because I get stupid after a workout, and I thought: THIS MIGHT BE REAL. I should take it easy maybe. Anyway. (3/20)
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
A very stern person answered the phone & spoke very quickly: this is in reference to your audit in 2008. (which happened. I owed zero.) 4/20
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
He continued: there is a warrant for your arrest. You face five years in federal prison. We have cancelled your driver's license. (5/20)
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
You owe $5273. We sent a letter to your home in October & nobody was there to receive it. But we left a slip and you never called back. 6/20
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
THIS TELLS US YOU ARE TRYING TO RUN AWAY. ARE YOU ABLE TO PAY THIS MONEY IN FULL TODAY? 7/20
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Me: I'll need to talk to my tax preparer (who they're supposed to contact first anyway). (Also, everything else about this is wrong.) 8/20
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
They said they were going to put me on hold, and then hung up on me. But I had their #, a 20-minute drive ahead of me, and I do improv. 9/20
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I called back in tears. "I was on the phone with one of your agents, and I got disconnected, and I CANNOT GO TO PRISON. PLEASE HELP." 10/20
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
"I HAVE MY CREDIT CARD OUT, BUT MY HANDS ARE SHAKING TOO TERRIBLY FOR ME TO READ IT. WHAT DO I DO? PLEASE HELP ME." 11/20
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
There are probably going to be more than 20 of these. Sorry bout it.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
The agent on the phone (a man with a very thick Indian accent whose name was "Officer Eric Johnson") said he could not take my card #. ?/?
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
THEN WHAT AM I TO DO, OFFICER JOHNSON? IF I OWE MONEY, I WANT TO MAKE IT RIGHT IMMEDIATELY. I CANNOT GO TO PRISON. I CANNOT.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I HAVE A FAMILY. I HAVE A JOB. AM I GOING TO BE PULLED OVER AND ARRESTED? Officer Johnson revealed that this was a strong possibility.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
What the IRS needed me to do was this: go to a bank and withdraw $5300 in cash. And stay on the phone with them while I did it.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I agreed. I said (still crying) that I was a five-minute drive from a bank with a drive-thru ATM but that I was driving as fast as I could.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
We stayed on the line together for that whole five minute drive, me and Officer Johnson. I asked how long he'd been at the IRS. 8 years!
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I asked what he did before that, and how he likes the IRS gig. He said: "MR HOLMES I AM BUSY DOING YOUR PAPERWORK." I said: Jeez, of course.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I told him I was pulling up to the ATM to withdraw the money, and he said: YOU CAN'T WITHDRAW THAT MUCH FROM AN ATM. YOU HAVE TO GO IN.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
(I'm going to be honest with you here: that was news to me, but it makes sense now that I think about it.)
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
So I pretended to go into the bank (opened/closed my car door, improvised the whole transaction with a teller voice, THANK YOU! the whole 9)
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I returned to the car, and I said: "Officer Johnson, I have $5300 in a paper bag. Tell me what to do next." He said: hold on.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
He then put me on hold, during which I would imagine there was a 30-second shitty grifter office party.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I was then transferred to his boss, an agent with the same accent who identified herself only as "Officer Debbie."
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Officer Debbie told me I needed to go to a Bank of America and deposit the cash into an account whose number they would give me.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I was then transferred to a guy who announced himself simply as "Agent Paul." Agent Paul was going to give me the account info.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I said: fire away. He gave me an account and routing numbers into which to deposit my money. The name on the account: JACK MILTON.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I said: I'll be sure to tell the teller it's for the IRS, so that he or she is extra careful with the numbers and whatnot.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
He said: you are not allowed to do that. This is a federal case, and talking about it is illegal. I said: that makes perfect sense.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I said: I want to make sure we don't get disconnected, so here's what I'm going to do.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I'm going to keep the Bluetooth connected, leave the phone in the car, and keep the car running in the parking lot while I do this.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Agent Paul said: I don't think you should do that. I said: Bluetooth gets weird though. He couldn't really argue with that.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
So I thanked Agent Paul, told him how crisp and professional Officers Johnson and Debbie had been, and went into the bank to transact.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Opened/closed the car door, thought long and hard about a car-theft plot twist with all new characters, but my destination was close.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Opened/closed the door again (I am driving during this, btw) and said: I've done it. I have my receipt. May I read it to you?
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Agent Paul, said, with palpable enthusiasm and relief: You DID? And no, I don't need to read what's on the receipt.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
And then I passed my destination and decided to circle it for a minute. I said: please let me read it to you.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
It says: this is the worst, sloppiest, saddest attempt at a con I have ever experienced, and you should be ashamed.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
You are BAD AT GRIFTING, and you should STOP IT.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I hope you never get another good night's sleep, not because you are bad, but because you are TERRIBLE AT BEING A CON ARTIST, and
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
…somewhere out there, someone better is going to con YOU, and you're too dumb to see it coming. GO. FUCK. YOURSELF.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Agent Paul, I swear to God, said: "Please accept my apologies," and hung up the phone.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
And I've thought about it, and I don't accept his apologies.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
You can reach Agent Paul and Officers Johnson and Debbie at 240-523-3767.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
The more time they spend with you, the less time they have to find the one poor shnook who would fall for this and hand over his savings.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Anyway, I'm off to the bank to report this account and routing number. Be good to each other, my friends.
— DaveHolmes.bsky.social (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
