What has this reptile done?
Twitter user Izzy has unleashed something powerful into the world.
Potentially more powerful than we’re even ready for.
Behold, the guiltiest looking lizard you’re ever likely to see.
I think my lizard may have murdered someone pic.twitter.com/p6V7O6Ay2Q
— izzy (@danisnobunk) March 5, 2018
Izzy is right to suspect that her lizard has done something untoward.
The situation speaks for itself. This is a guilty lizard and I’m going to get to the bottom of what he or she has done.
The Claw
Not confident enough in my own abilities, I drafted in a body language expert for this pressing matter. The expert wishes to remain anonymous but would like me to assure you that he/she is definitely real and not just something I have fabricated in an attempt to avoid ever doing any real journalism.
“Woah. That’s a very confident hand placement. If you isolate it and focus on nothing else, that becomes apparent. The whole arm is bent at a comfortable angle as the lizard is resting itself on the windowsill. When lizards are at ease, their limbs are generally quite loose and they’ll use their claws to steady themselves. The fingers are spread out and the wrist slightly bent which suggests overall that this is the claw of a lizard that is guilty as hell. He/she is overcompensating for something. Murder? Perhaps” – Expert.
I’m inclined to agree with our unnamed expert who is definitely real. That’s not a fearful claw. That’s the claw of a lizard that is feeling confident, unashamed and potentially murderous. The nails are a good length, could they be the murder weapon? It’s all just speculation at this point, we must dig deeper.
The Facial Expression
This is undeniably the face of a murderer. Having watched Making A Murderer, True Detective, The Case of JonBenét Ramsey and no less than five episodes of CSI: Miami, I believe that I am perfectly qualified to make that kind of statement. Look into the lizard’s eye, it’s practically vacant. There’s no trace of emotion, which is a pretty common trait in murderers after they kill. Their eyes struggle to look alert or remorseful as they process their actions. This lizard has killed someone and will very likely kill again.
Focus on the lizard’s mouth for a moment, if you will. It’s firmly shut. Almost as if it’s keeping a secret inside. What kind of lizard would need to keep a secret? A murderous lizard, that’s whom. He/she can’t dare open their mouth because a slip of the tongue will land them in jail. Lizard jail is different to human jail. It’s more brutal and there’s a lot of seedy underground activity going on. For legal reasons, I can’t say much more about it. But trust me, it’s bad.
The Crime Scene
Now that we know the lizard is hella guilty, we need to figure out specifically what he/she has done. Unfortunately, the image quality isn’t lending itself to aid our investigation, but we’ll press on regardless. There’s definitely an ambulance in there, potentially an undercover car with flashing lights and I’d hazard a guess that there’s a couple of cop cars as well. The ambulance is outside the house closest to the left, so that’s logically where the crime scene lies.
But how did the lizard get there to commit the crime? That’s quite a distance when you’re only a few centimetres long. Perhaps he/she had an accomplice, or committed the crime and slowly returned home over the course of a few days before anyone raised the alarm. The lizard’s overall demeanour and smug expression suggests to me that he/she finds the entire situation amusing. “It took them THIS long to figure out what I’ve done, LOL”, he/she is thinking. This lizard is amused by the unfolding situation. He/she acted alone. I can smell it.
The Crime Itself
What kind of heinous act did this lizard commit? We know it was murder because of his/her menacing look, firmly shut mouth and relaxed arm stance, but how did he/she do it and to whom? Lizards typically murder and then subsequently eat flies, crickets, snails, spiders and a variety of other insects. It’s possible that this lizard’s appetite also included murder. I put it to the jury that this particular spot at the window is a frequent one for the lizard. How do I know this? The slightly grubby towel suggests that the area has intentionally been made comfortable, so this isn’t a once off scenario we find ourselves in.
Perhaps the lizard has been eyeing up an elderly neighbour for quite some time. He/she scampered over to the house and killed her. She was asleep at the time, the lizard came in through the cat flap and kept low and slow so as not to trigger the house alarm. The lizard had been watching quite a lot of How To Get Away With Murder, it finds Viola Davis to be a powerhouse of an actor in this lead role and is glad she got the opportunity to thrive in such a gripping show.
The lizard likely killed this frail old woman by slipping poison into her dentures soaking glass, inspired by a storyline in season two of H2GAWM. He/she then returned home and waited. The neighbour woke up, popped in her dentures and succumbed to the poison moments later. It was a matter of days before the alarm was raised by another neighbour who broke down the door to check on her after not seeing her for a few days. The ambulance and police were called, then the iconic photograph was taken.
The motive
We’re assuming that the elderly neighbour was an innocent victim. But I sense otherwise. Lizards are generally good dudes, they don’t just senselessly kill people, not without good reason. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that this neighbour was up to some unsavoury business herself, or involved in some sort of shady familial antics. Nobody ever suspects the elderly neighbour of corruption, which is what makes them the perfect perpetrators. I put it to the court that the slain neighbour was a relation of one Lisa Simpson.
Lisa once professed herself to be ‘the lizard queen’. Nobody awarded her that title, she gave it to herself. This murderous lizard disagreed because this lizard is indeed the lizard queen. That’s right, this lizard is female and she wants her title back. She’s killed Lisa Simpson’s relative to send a strong message. If Lisa Simpson doesn’t denounce her position as the lizard queen, another member of her family will be brutally murdered until she stops. Then, the true lizard queen will turn to her. Think twice before you wrap your mouth around that saxophone next time, Lisa. It might just be laced with poison.
