Julian Draxler to remain ‘Arsenal target’ until expanding sun engulfs Earth, scientists discover

Julian Draxler will remain an Arsenal transfer target until the final days of life on Planet Earth, scientists have discovered.

The German international, who was first linked with a move to Arsenal during the early stages of foetal development, is reported to be closing in on a transfer away from Paris Saint-Germain after being told by manager Unai Emery that he is now surplus to requirements at the Parc des Princes.

Although Arsene Wenger is known to be a keen admirer of the the 23-year-old, Arsenal are likely to face competition for the player’s signature from a number of the continent’s top clubs.

Whereas it seems likely Draxler’s next destination will not be The Emirates Stadium, scientists have announced that a move elsewhere for the player will not be enough to prevent the steady stream of media speculation linking the former Schalke 04 forward with a future transfer to Arsenal from continuing.

Speaking from a Zürich-based laboratory, Professor Jürgen König, who led a team of researchers in looking into the matter, explained that such reports were set to continue for billions of years, regardless of where Draxler decides to play his football or whether or not he is still alive.

“Draxler will continue to be linked with a move to Arsenal for many millennia to come,” König said.

“His retirement from football in 10 to 15 years will have no impact on speculation about him joining Arsenal, nor will his death, over half a century later.

With the withered, disintegrating corpse of Draxler continuing to spark reports of an imminent transfer to the Gunners, König went on to explain that the only thing that would bring an end to the speculation would be the end of all life on Planet Earth, in 7.6 billion years.

“The sun will continue to gradually expand, desiccating Earth and eventually engulfing all living entities still discussing the potential deal. We are powerless to prevent this, much like we are powerless to prevent reports of Draxler moving to Arsenal.

“After that, the sun will collapse and become a white dwarf. By then, the rumours will cease to exist.”

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