Sorry, but also, I am not in any way sorry
Look, whether you want to admit it or not, everything is horny. Parents, Teletubbies, types of cheese. Everything. Crash Team Racing characters are no exception to this.
We’ve seen it with Guess Who characters, Cluedo characters and regrettably, we’ve even found out the horniest of the Care Bears. This is a format that I refuse to give up because journalism needs this. More importantly, we need this. You and I. Voyagers of the internet. We are home now.
The criteria is very simple, I am ranking the eight starter characters on Crash Team Racing based on their horniness alone. All decisions are final. I must insist that you do not, under any circumstances, @ me.
Now then. Let’s! Get! Ranking!
8. Doctor N. Gin
I mean obviously, yeah. There’s always going to be very little horny energy vibing from a man that has a literal missile lodged into the side of his head. Add to that, the fact that it’s a live missile and activates when he gets agitated, you’re looking at a creature that suffers from headaches a solid 70% of the time. On the whole, that’s not a hugely horny way to be, as there is nothing sexy about headaches, let alone missile-induced ones.
Visually, he’s not the best looking chap, but once you get past the Halloween costume side of his face, there’s a handsome man with spiky ginger hair hiding under there. The gloves are definitely kinky, as is the mystery surrounding his name. N. Gin sounds like ‘engine’, so you know he’s a bit of a goer. But what does the N stand for? Nookie? Natalie Imbruglia? Namaste? It has never been revealed, but I think we can safely deduce that it stands for Not Very Horny.
7. Doctor Neo Cortex
Not to go too hard on the doctors, but in this instance, neither of them seem particularly horny, nor likely to induce horn in others. With all due respect, Doctor Neo Cortex looks like a post-apocalyptic Krusty The Clown who was standing very close to a nuclear blast which resulted in a bulging brain but somehow immortality as well. The giant ‘N’ on his forehead is a bit of a turn off, mostly because in Ireland that’s the sticker newly qualified drivers must display on their car for two years after passing the test. Does this mean Neo is a newly-qualified horny man? No.
His obsession with being Crash Bandicoot’s enemy is probably his second least horny quality, as it means he’s constantly distracted, fantasising about ways to destroy a fictional bandicoot who’s good at driving, which can be a real mood killer. Doctor Neo Cortex’s least horniest quality is his quest for world domination. We get it, you want a lot of power. Maybe start with some effective grooming techniques, dark eye circle cream and any expression other than the current one, which suggests you’ve just stood in dog shit, despite being in the corridor of a hotel that prohibits dogs. Hang on, no. Yes, it is human shit.
6. Pura
Tiger cubs are, by and large, quite horny. But there’s something different about Pura. He’s got an innocence that makes him not very horny, at least not outwardly. Pura could be bursting with horn on the inside, but during Crash Team Racing that just doesn’t come across. Pura’s head is in the game, but his game is not in the head. It’s hard to imagine the mind of this adorable tiger cub thinking about anything other than chasing balls of yarn and sleeping 17 hours a day.
On occasion, Pura lets out a small meow, just like a kitten. Hundreds of years of scientific research will prove that that’s quite a horny sound, but it just doesn’t feel right to sexualise such a youthful opponent. He drives much slower than the other CTR participants, but that’s simply because his legs are too short to reach the pedals adequately. Pura doesn’t want to seem horny, Pura just wants to be taken seriously as a tiger cub that racing driver. He is the Ricky Bobby of Crash Team Racing, except smaller and less horny.
5. Polar
Again, it feels wrong to sexualise what is clearly a very sweet young animal, but journalism needs this, as do I. Polar is more comfortable in the cold, which is actually quite a horny trait. Some of the horniest food items are cold, such as Frubes, ice lollies and frozen peas. By association, Polar is a smidge horny. His cutesy nature detracts from the horn a small bit, as does his struggle to remain upright on non-iced surfaces, but we can overlook it in this particular listicle.
Polar is horny when he wants to be. He’s fond of a snuggle and despite polar bears’ notoriety of being vicious creatures, he channels his rage into driving. Polar will take you for the ride of your life, then ensure to get you home safely. The next morning, when you wake up beside him, you’ll find a note that says ‘Gone to get coffee x’. Twenty minutes later, Polar will return with a single rose, two coffees and a can of Coca-Cola because he has advertising commitments to the brand that he must uphold until his contract expires. Contracts are horny as hell, btw.
4. Dingodile
Now we’re getting somewhere. Your eyes do not deceive you, that half-dingo half-crocodile has a six pack and foregoes societal expectations of wearing a t-shirt just so that he can show off his ripped torso at all times. Look into Dingodile’s eyes, they’re haunting. He’s horny as heck, so much so that he’s had to start breathing through his mouth because his nostrils simply weren’t taking and releasing enough air to keep up with his incessant panting.
He might carry a physical flamethrower, but that’s nothing compared to the flames he’s undoubtedly going to throw around your heart. Dingodile is horny, but for love. He’s not interested in a quick bit of Crash Team Racing (fucking), he wants longterm commitments and won’t settle for anything less. Don’t Dingo-dial that phone number unless you’re going to follow through. Dingodile’s insatiable horn isn’t something to mess around with. Just acknowledge it and move on.
3. Crash
Although horny, the protagonist is never the horniest character. That role is usually reserved for the supporting cast, whose jealousy of the main guy gets channelled into festering sexual arousal. With that in mind, Crash is still very horny. He’s constantly shouting “Woah” and spinning around in circles during the game, much like the sexual lust he is experiencing at all times. He zips around the race track at lightning speed because he knows that a first place medal comes with a higher chance of success with the ladies compared to a silver or bronze.
If anything, Crash is dissatisfied with the manifestations of his horn. The game is named after him, he’s the poster boy, but still lacks the confidence to procure a lover when needs require it. His head gets in the way, he overthinks it and blurts out cringe lines such as “My friends call me Crash Bandicoot, but you can call me Crash Bandicute” or “The only thing I’ve ever crashed is my [redacted] into your [redacted]”, which tends to scare off potential suitors. He’s rarely not horny, it’s just sad that he doesn’t often get to sate these urges.
2. Coco
Crash’s sister is horny beyond belief. As the only female Crash Team Racing driver, Coco is keen to keep her innate desires under wraps so that her competitors don’t sense any weakness. Often yelping her own name during races, hearing “Coco” alerts the other drivers to Coco’s presence, but also her horn. On the racetrack, she’s horny for victory, but off it, Coco is horny for respect, just like the rest of us.
Famed for her intellect, Coco modified her car to make it quicker than the others. In the same way, she genetically enhanced her horniness because she heard it would transform her into a better racer. Her brother might be the most famous Bandicoot, but Coco is determined to be the fastest and horniest. As the only contestant to actually wear a full outfit of clothing, Coco refuses to wear skimpy garments, despite its guarantee of distracting the other drivers. Instead, Coco uses her insatiable horn to fuel her competitive nature in a bid to steal victory from the others. Finally, a horny driver using their powers for good.
1. Tiny Tiger
Look at this luscious hunk of a man, bursting with sexual energy, the likes of which this godforsaken world will never see again. Tiny Tiger is anything but, particularly when he’s taking part in Crash Team Racing. Look at his stance, look at that mini dress with a belt to accentuate his Tiny waistline, look at his bursting arms, look at his blatant disregard for leg day, look at the spikes coming out of his shoulders, look at those teeth. Inhale, now exhale. Once more. Breathe it in. That is horn.
As if his physical stature wasn’t enough to exude his horniness, Tiny, upon overtaking his competitors during Crash Team Racing, announces “Here comes Tiny”, which is truly the horniest statement in existence today in the year of our Lord 2018. Tiny also 100% says that during sex, if we’re going to be real about it. He’s always hard, he’s always on and he is most definitely always horny. He’s not even in the top three finish of most races, but that doesn’t matter, he’s got other things on his mind, such as sex. Tiny Tiger is so horny, he only takes part in Crash Team Racing so that he can feel the vibrations of the car seat. The man is horniness personified. We stan a Tiny yet incredibly horny legend.
Images via Sony Interactive Entertainment
